Our Journey...

#30 - Tea.

2012-01-30T22:33:00.001-06:00

I have to be honest, after this long day of working & filing taxes for hours on end, I felt like there was nothing good to write about. Then I remembered how precious my Arabic tea is that I live to drink when I am cold. So, curling up in bed tonight with my book and my cup of tea sure do make for a comfy end to a long day.

#29 - Kisses From Katie

2012-01-30T12:07:00.001-06:00

Saturday, January 29, 2012

Today I began reading such a powerful & yet so simple book. "Kisses From Katie". I know a lot of people have been talking about this book lately & for good reason!!! I (way back when) found her blog & thought it was so similar to things the Lord has placed on my own heart. I think that's why this resonates with me so much.

If you have a heart for the nations or even just love Jesus, buy this book & watch as your heart is changed in such a unique way for Christ & His kingdom! I can literally feel my heart racing at times when I begin thinking about moving overseas again. This time...with my sweet husband! I tell you, it has been such a restoration of peace in me that I can't help but to talk about it. Seriously. Get your hands on this book.

#28 - The Village

2012-01-28T22:23:00.001-06:00

Each Saturday night we attend the 7:15pm service at our wonderful church, The Village. Tonight was just one of those nights where everything that was said, everything that was sung, was just hitting right where Nick & I are. There was a girl whom I have never heard sing at The Village before and her voice...oh man. I sat in my chair just crying as I worshipped because it was just so obvious the Holy Spirit was upon her. It has been so long since I myself have led in worship & the longing to do so just welled up so deep in my soul...stirring me. Do you ever have those moments? Where you are exactly where you are supposed to be & the LORD just continues to confirm it in ways over & over again. My heart is so full of peace tonight.

#27 - it's Friday!

2012-01-28T10:37:00.000-06:00

Hallelujah for Fridays. I look forward to them every single week. Aside from working working working all day, I took a client to the mall & we shopped. I bought a few things...

I love my new sparkly shoes, sparkly tank, beautiful eye shadows & Burts Bee's tinted lip balm. I can't wait to wear that shirt!


We also had some sorbet & that was QUITE delicious.

I got some new $5 sunglasses!

Then, Savanna & I went to eat Pei Wei & I started on a new project for my Etsy store!

It's an owl bank. Minus the smudge of course. That was pencil but it will fire off once I've glazed it!

#26 - treadmill

2012-01-26T20:57:00.000-06:00

Late in the night last night, I woke up (around 1am) & realized Nick still had not come to bed. I went to bed early because I had another migraine. Seriously...these things have got to stop. Anyways, I walked into the living room because I saw the light on & could hear the tv playing softly. My sweet husband was putting together my birthday/valentines/anniversary/every other big deal present day of the year present in the living room...my treadmill. You see, for a long time I have wanted one. I have for one reason or another (mostly price & timing) not ever purchased one. I had one in high school that my mom bought & it ended up taking up residence in my room because I was the only one who used it. It helped me lose many pounds back then & keep me active. Lately, by the time I make it home, I honestly do not want to go anywhere else because I am often so exhausted. I have weighed by pros & cons over this purchase for many, many, many months/years & finally, Nick let me purchase it! I couldn't be happier with the one I got. It is so much bigger than I ever thought it would be & weighs a TON but I figure when we get ready to go overseas, it will have a pretty great resale value. Tonight when Nick gets home, we will have to take it apart a little so we can move it from the living room into the sunroom where it will actually reside, but other than that, I am pleased! I ended up staying home from work today because my migraine still hasn't subsided. Will you pray with me that these things stop for good? This month has been a constant for migraines. Mercy.

#25 - precious lives

2012-01-26T20:51:00.002-06:00

Wednesday, January 24, 2012

Today I made the most delicious soup I have ever made in the crockpot. We came home & you could just smell the scent of it wafting through even the front door frame as you walked up to the door. It was wonderful. Literally all I did was buy a rotisserie chicken from walmart a couple of days before, debone the thing & put the meat in the fridge. Quarter some mushrooms, dump in some chopped broccoli, baby carrots, 1 onion chopped, 2 full spoons of garlic, 6 chicken cubes, 1 small can tomato sauce, filled that can full with water & dumped it in, 1 large can of diced tomatoes, a few cherry tomatoes, 1 can of chopped okra & let it cook on high for 7hrs. Seriously...the most delicious soup I have ever made & it made a total of 8 bowls of soup...probably would've made more had we not had big bowls! ;)

After dinner, Nick & I walked down the street to our friends Amy & Jesse. They are also our homegroup leaders for church. This entire month we are focused on prayer & tonight was prayer for the unborn, to end abortion, for adoption, for the helpless, the hungry, the most needy & the oppressed. It was so good to pray for needs that are so tangible. I could literally put a name with each of these categories. Not to mention, Nick & I want to adopt so badly. After homegroup, we went to Braum's with Amy & Jesse to get a sweet treat. It was nice to just hang out for a bit. I miss those sweet times of community.

#24 - Tuesday

2012-01-26T20:44:00.001-06:00

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Just another Tuesday. Went to work. Took a client to get her hair cut. I would love to show you a picture, but due to hippa rules, I am unable. However, I will say that the difference is remarkable! It is going to take some getting used to for her but it is such a good change!

Overall, today was a really good day. Extremely tiring, but very good. I went to bed early because of a migraine.

#23 - Birth. Day.

2012-01-26T20:39:00.000-06:00

Best birthday yet. Twenty-seven.

Nick took me to eat the most delicious sushi (my favorite food. ever.) & then we went to the movies to see "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close". Such a good movie. I do not normally enjoy 9-11 movies, but this one was very psychological & reminded me of some of the clients I work with. Very interesting if you want a peek into the life of mental health.

"Kiss the Fire" roll at Wasabi. My favorite I've found in Fort Worth.

#22 - Terra

2012-01-22T23:32:00.004-06:00

Today, Nick & I got ready for church & never actually went. I woke up not feeling that well so we decided to listen to a podcast together instead. I eventually ended up with an awful migraine & had to go lay down for a while (bummmmmer). When I woke up, we decided since I was feeling a bit better, we would go to one of my favorite places, Terra. I had the saffron chicken (my favorite) &Nick had gryos & that plate was so big we both can eat off his leftovers tomorrow. Tomorrow, I am taking the day off work to sleep in, relax, read, eat lunch with Nick, take a walk & just enjoy turning 27. I am feeling so blessed already this year. 27 is going to be a good one. I've got a feelin'!

#21 - Birthday Party!

2012-01-22T23:14:00.003-06:00

Oh my word. What a fun night Saturday was! Our home was filled with so many friends from Africa & also from Fort Worth, so many stories & so much laughter. We grilled turkey burgers, ate lots of veggies & fruit & played Catch Phrase till we had tears! I am so thankful to have so many wonderful friends to share life with. I forgot to take pictures because I was having such a good time. So thankful. My heart is so full.

#20 - lunch with Nick

2012-01-21T23:41:00.001-06:00

I was able to have lunch with my sweet husband Friday. It was literally the best part of my day. We just sat in the 72 degree weather & enjoyed our grapes & his chicken strips I brought him from Zaxby's. I enjoy lunches with him. We then had a date night later at Chili's. Apparently it was kids night or something because there were tons & tons of children. I love dates. Especially birthday week/weekend dates. :)

#19 - Planning

2012-01-19T20:40:00.001-06:00

Today, I haven't been feeling too well...lots of nausea, a rash on my left knee (weird I know...it's been off & on since Christmas) & a massive headache. I refused to let this get me down so I completed my work day & then came home to mail a painting that I sold from my Etsy shop last Friday & began to plan my party for Saturday. My party. My birthday party! I never really plan parties for myself, but I want friends to be together in one place & hanging out so....this is as good a chance as any! I can't wait to blog about it Saturday night! We bought a chimnea this past weekend & I sure do hope it's cold enough to use it.

After planning a bit, my headache got the best of me & after taking an Excedrin, I just had to lie down. Now, I've just been catching up on shows like Grey's, Private Practice, Once Upon a Time & soon Modern Family...if I make it that long (I took two tylenol PM). Overall, today was a good day.

#18 - The Help

2012-01-18T22:31:00.001-06:00

The best thing that happened today? Getting to come home, relax & watch "The Help". If you haven't seen it, you're missing out.

#17 - God's provision

2012-01-17T21:14:00.001-06:00

There are so many things Nick & I have been talking about lately regarding our future but I will keep most of those to ourselves until we feel the "go ahead" from the Lord. However, one of the things in trying to work towards the next step was trying to determine whether or not Nick would finish school at SWBTS. I'll be honest, I know my husband doesn't want to do any more school focusing on things he doesn't care able (i.e. Baptist Heritage ...to just name one). We noticed on his account that he had not one, but two scholarships for this semester so I asked him to check it out & see if this was something he would be able to keep both of or if he would just be allowed to keep one (SWBTS is weird about scholarships). Turns out, if he takes at least 10 hours, he can keep both of them & not just one. This is where we begin to shout hallelujah because now Nick can be closer to finishing sooner because he will be able to take 12 hours of class & we only have to pay FOURTEEN ($14) yes....FOURTEEN dollars for the entire semester...and that includes an online class & it's bogus $250 fee just for taking the class. We both took this to mean that the Lord wants Him to continue in the path we're walking in at this moment. Not to say that He's not going to shift us (soon enough) onto a different path, but to say, we are walking in the way He wants us to go. It's such a peaceful thing knowing you are exactly where the Lord wants you to be. We are rejoicing tonight in His provision!

#16 - holiday day

2012-01-16T22:24:00.001-06:00

Today, being MLK holiday, we were able to be off work, grocery shop, get a few things for the house & chill. We ate delicious Indian for lunch & then I cooked homemade organic spaghetti squash spaghetti. Definitely a keeper! Nick, Savanna & I then went to the movie to watch "We Bought a Zoo". Such a great movie!

#15 - lazy Sunday

2012-01-15T22:12:00.001-06:00

Nick & I had big plans to work on projects today but mostly just laid around. I made the most delicious homemade healthy pizza for our lunch, ended up taking a nap on the couch with the kitten & then made delicious stirfry for us for dinner. Nick finished our building the main portion of our laundry shelf he started a week ago & now only has to add a back before I can prime & paint it. It isn't the most perfectly aligned item but it will serve its purpose well. After dinner, we worked on deciding which rooms which curtains will go in & then hung some pictures. Hopefully before too long I will be able to post updated "this is our home" pictures. Nick & I had a really long talk tonight about our future & what that's gonna look like regarding timing, location, etc. I won't say much, but I will say I'm excited to see it all unfold & covet your prayers as we continue seeking HIS will for our family.

#14 - Rest

2012-01-14T21:11:00.001-06:00

Today has been so good just hanging out & resting. I do love a good Saturday. I finished up painting my frame for my chalkboard menu board I am recycling/repurposing an old mirror frame/board. Tomorrow I plan to polyurethane the frame & then staple the board back to the frame. I'm so exited about this project. Also, I started repainting an old bookshelf.

Tonight, we went to our church (The Village). I can't tell you how great it is just to be there. I love our church so much & am so thankful for the way the Lord works in & through it over & over again. So thankful.

#13 - Nick is home!!

2012-01-14T10:32:00.001-06:00

Best part about Friday...my husband is home!! We went to dinner & them stopped by the Cheesecake Factory for dessert & came home. So simple. But so much needed. Not to mention, this is a holiday weekend!!

#12 - Whole eating

2012-01-12T22:36:00.001-06:00

Tonight Andrea came over & she, myself & Savanna went to Target to shop/browse a bit & then came back to cook dinner & watch Morning Glory. This year, we have been trying to eat using the Paleo lifestyle as a plan to eating healthier, losing some weight & just feeling better. Tonight I made chicken, tofu & veg stir fry & for dessert I broiled some grapefruit halves. I promised Leah Beth that I would post the recipes on here so I will do so! I'm not bragging, but I think these two dishes turned out rather delicious.

Broiled Grapefruit:
Turn oven on to broil.
Halve your grapefruits (1 serving = 1 half).
Place the open faced grapefruits on a cookie sheet.
Sprinkle with cinnamon or any other seasoning you prefer.
Place in oven.
Broil 5-7 minutes until puffed up & a brown tint from the cinnamon.
Let cool 2-3 minutes after removing from oven.
Enjoy!

SO EASY and SO delicious!!

Stir Fry:
We used-
Coconut oil
Chicken breast
Orange bell pepper
Mushrooms
Cabbage
Zucchini
Chicken
Tofu (extra firm)

Using coconut oil, in a wok, brown your Chicken.
Once chicken is cooked thoroughly, add a bit more coconut oil if you need it & add your tofu (chop tofu into cubes beforehand).
Cook tofu till the consistency you want & then remove from the pan into its own bowl to be added back in later.
Once tofu is se aside, add your mushrooms & peppers.
Cook mushrooms & peppers until peppers start to turn brighter color. Trust me...you'll understand. They turn bright orange.
Then add your cabbage to the top & let simmer.
Stir constantly.
Add garlic generously.
Also add garlic salt to your taste.
If you want, you could also use lemon for flavoring. Just depends on the flavor you want.
Lastly, once the cabbage is almost thoroughly cooked, add your zucchini. Because zucchini tastes weird when it's cooked too much, you want to cook it last to keep its flavor as well as a slight crunch.
Once your zucchini is done, stir back in your tofu & enjoy!!

I don't use exact measurements. I just added what I wanted flavor wise & tasted as I went.

Let me know if you try these & how you like em!

#11 - hard night

2012-01-11T16:10:00.001-06:00

Tonight has been a hard one without Nick here. Listening to lies from the enemy & just not really believing truth. Pray for my heart will ya?

I will say that I made delicious salad, homemade panko baked crusted chicken strips & whole grain macaroni for dinner tonight. It was lovely.

#10 - Africa dinner

2012-01-10T22:57:00.001-06:00

Tonight, I was blessed to meet up with some of the sweet gals I serves with (on separate teams) while I lives in Africa in 2008. It was such a blessing for me to be able to see them & just talk about life. One topic that we talked about (and has been coming up in my life multiple times over the past few weeks) was tithing. I don't have a lot of knowledge about the issue but while discussing whether we thought it is for the actual church (building) itself or could we tithe by giving to fellow believers that either need it or are serving in some capacity, it or me thinking.

I talked to Nick some about it tonight. He showed me that the Bible doesn't specifically say "give 10%", but that's what someone offered at one point & it has become something people use as reference rather than something scripture commands point blank. Rather, he pointed out that if you're stirred in your heart to give, you should do so. I'm planning on researching this a bit more fully cause I wanna know what scripture actually says on the issue. It seems as though the "10% rule" is something we've believed because we were told that rather than it being Biblical truth...maybe more along the lines of personal convictions. I don't know. I plan to find out & update you. Does anybody have any thoughts?

I will make a blanket statement that I DO believe we should tithe. I am confused as to whether my "tithe" can only go to the church building or if it can be given to those IN the church that are serving Him. My second confusion is the whole 10% thing. Where'd that come from?

#9 - preparation

2012-01-10T22:48:00.001-06:00

I spent Monday after work grocery shopping & prepping for a 10 day cleanse.

#8 - Wycliffe

2012-01-08T22:51:00.001-06:00

Today, Nick left until Friday afternoon to attend a simulation/conference type thing called Total It Up at Wycliffe in Dallas. If you haven't heard of the organization, you should look them up. They are committed to taking the Word of God to people's that do not yet have the Word in their language. This was my Christmas present to Nick...sending him to this week long event.

You see, Nick & I know we are called to missions in some aspect. We have both lived & served overseas & have grown to love & appreciate other cultures greatly because of it. We don't fully know where the Lord is going to take us in the future, but we are open.

Prior to this past semester, Nick didn't fully know what he thought the Lord was preparing him for or to do. He had thoughts of pastoring, thoughts of church planting, thoughts of translating, but nothing ever seemed to stand out. About mid-way through this semester, Nick started to really see his gift & desire to learn languages. He would NEVER admit to this, but he is SO smart & has such a gift at learning & dissecting languages. He has made nothing but A's in both Greek & Hebrew & just "gets it". I'm not going to even to sit here & pretend that I get it...cause I don't. I'm creative & artsy...my brain has not been wired as his is to be able to comprehend anything like that. But the Lord has wired Nick that way.

So, after much thought & prayer, he changed his concentration/degree program from international church planting, to Biblical languages. This week we are hoping that by his going to this event at Wycliffe & getting a taste of what it would be like to go through them to translate the Bible into new languages, that maybe the Lord will give us some clarity into our future ministry & what we are preparing for. HE is so good & always gives opportunity & answers in His time. Will you pray with us this week? Praying for clarity & that the Lord would give us favor with both Himself & man. Also, I know this is selfish, but if you wouldn't mind praying for my mind & heart as Nick is away this week. I sure do miss that sweet man.

#7 - Can't get enough of this song..

2012-01-08T00:17:00.001-06:00

#6 - Chandelier Painting.

2012-01-06T22:40:00.001-06:00

Today after work I came home & worked on some projects. This chandelier painting was one of those projects. I'm so happy with the way it turned out & have gotten a great response that I decided to post it on my Etsy shop. You can order one in any color you'd like & with any background color you want. This is just plain white with a turquoise blue/green chandelier.

After Nick came home, we went on a date to Olive Garden & are now chilling out like older people at home but watching Glee on Netflix. I'm so thankful for some rest & just being able to hang out with my best friend...especially since he will be gone for an entire week next week. Let me know what you think of the chandelier!

#5 - You are Mine.

2012-01-05T22:07:00.001-06:00

#4 - good night

2012-01-04T22:31:00.001-06:00

#3 - Homemade Pizza

2012-01-03T22:10:00.001-06:00

Tonight I decided to try something new & quick because I was not in the mood to cook. So, I made some homemade pizza. Not the healthiest thing ever but it sure was tasty & filling.

Recipe for those who care:
1 pack crescent rolls
1 small can tomato sauce
Pepperonis
Veggies of choice
Mozzarella or veggie shreds (whichever you prefer)
Italian seasoning
Garlic powder
Oregano

1. Open crescent rolls & spread flat onto a cookie sheet. (do not separate into individual pieces)
2. Spoon out the amount of sauce you desire onto the flat rolls.
3. Add meat & veggies.
4. Add cheese or cheese substitute.
5. Bake in oven at 375 degrees for anywhere between 10-16 minutes. Just watch it & make sure the crust doesn't burn.
6. Let cool 1 minute.
7. Cut & enjoy!!

#2 - Lazy day.

2012-01-02T21:55:00.004-06:00

Getting into FW late last night, our plans for today were to sleep in, do laundry, put away everything, clean the house & MAYBE start our project for our laundry table. Let's just say (and by no means am I proud of this) I got up at 9am & didn't move from the couch until around 5:30pm to fix something to eat. I did some online shopping, paid a few bills & sent Nick after the wood for our project. No cleaning (except loading the dishwasher).

I am bombarded today by how many things I want to do in order to make out house more homey. I have so many ideas but know that work is staring me straight in the face tomorrow. Therefore, I veg & opt for easier outs. I am posting some pictures tonight of things I want to re-do in hopes that by posting them I will have some accountability in actually finishing them sooner than later.

Nick went tonight & bought us out fireplace "accessories" since his parents gave us the money for them for Christmas. I am so happy to have them!! We haven't fully set them up yet but there's a picture of what we got on here too. Also...Nick started our laundry folding table!!

Our new fireplace accessories. Thanks Mr. Glyn & Mrs. Valerie!!

Our current washer/dryer area. So quaint & I LOVE
having all that storage space above them!!

The current "dirty laundry waiting" area/litter box area/mop,
broom, vacuum storage. This is where we plan to put the folding table
Nick is building us! We will then build Biscuit (our kitten) a "house" to
sit next to it where her litter will be out of site & hopefully out of smell!
We will also put the broom, mop, vacuum in the hall closet where they
are supposed to go.

My sweet husband working on his project.

Our inspiration for our folding table. Out table top will
not be granite or marble but it will be cool!

Nick built us this shelving unit (black thing on the floor) &
I have liquid sanded it but plan to repaint &
distress it before bringing it inside the house.

We have friends moving overseas to serve as missionaries for career &
we bought these Asian dividers from them. They used it as a headboard but
I plan to sand them & repaint them a bright yellow to
put in our room once we paint our room light grey!

This was a freebie. I plan to spray paint it a bright color &
hang it on our wall in our room & use it as an organizer/hanger
thing until an actually baby comes along.
Then it will go in the actual crib it belongs in.

I found this nightstand at Goodwill for $20.
I plan to repaint it, distress it & add some newer hardware to it
but it's in GREAT shape!

I also found this nightstand at Goodwill for $25. It is in
terrific condition. I plan to repaint it (white still) &
distress it but use it in a future baby/child's room.

These next two lamps are milkglass lamps I found at Goodwill for $5 each!
I need to rewire one so I'm going to just rewire them both so
they have new plugs & match. I also bought the shades for
$5 each & plan to redo them. Vintage milkglass lamps for
$10 total each. That ain't half bad!

Cheers!

New Year - 2012 - #1

2012-01-01T22:26:00.001-06:00

Today we spent the day driving back to TX from our beloved MS. We had sushi with our sweet friend Amanda on the way & then enjoyed Moe's tonight just before crossing into TX.

One thing Nick & I want to be intentional about this year is, well, being intentional. With that mindset, I set out to make our first ever "lists for the new year". We made a list of things we want to accomplish together over the next year as well as separate lists for personal goals & such. I am excited to say that blogging the best things daily is on my list.

I need to be more intentional in many areas but mostly in being encouraging & serving others. My prayer is that this blog will serve a big purpose in that. I am anxious to see how our lives grow over the next year.

In reflecting over the past year, I can honestly say it has had so much good, a bit of bad & a lot of hard times. I don't expect this year to be much different. Life is hard. But I do not put my hope in a new year. I put my hope in a Savior that is greater. I pray that continues to be our focus...Jesus in all things. He makes all things new. This year is no different. It is new. And I am grateful.

New Years Eve 2011

2011-12-31T17:16:00.001-06:00

Today we have spent the day watching babies. Tonight we will ring in the new year with Griffin at my parents home but not before shooting fireworks out at my grandparents house. These are a few of my favorites from today.

12/30/11

2011-12-31T17:11:00.001-06:00

Tonight I made one of the best lasagnas I have ever made. I make up the recipe as I go so it's a little different this time but I will have to share the recipe later. Here's a picture in the meantime.

Makin slime.

2011-12-29T20:32:00.001-06:00

Today we went to my grandmothers for a little bit & then on over to Daphne Park in Laurel to let Griffin ride his power scooter & throw some football. I took some fun pictures that I will have to show you later. Tonight we made slime together. So fun.

Home.

2011-12-28T18:20:00.001-06:00

We are LOVING our time being home with family & friends. Life has been so simple & slow. It's been a much needed change of pace that we don't often get.

Amidst all of the excitement & ease of life, I received word this morning that one of my clients at the clinic was killed this morning in a tragic accident. If you know anything about my job, you know that we become very close to our clients due to seeing them so often. Please be in prayer for his family & also my heart as I am still processing all this. I know that at least he's at peace & not having to deal with the debilitating illness of schizophrenia. Your prayers are appreciated.

Give Me Faith...

2011-12-18T12:49:00.000-06:00

This song is tearing me up today. Something that I've needed for much too long.

Fresh...

2011-12-17T19:11:00.000-06:00

Here we are in December. December is the month I was to have surgery to remove a mass that was growing inside my uterus. Last week I went to my OB appointment for my sonogram. Guess what? No mass. Praise the Lord! This time instead of a mass, they saw that my left ovary is stuck to my ovary. My Dr. says that it is completely "not an issue"...tried to put me on birth control (again) & then again told me to work on my "weight issues". Mercy. While I am overjoyed that there is no mass growing inside me anymore, I still am thinking about changing doctors. We'll see.

In other news, we've recently moved from our tiny, tiny 1 bedroom, 1 bath (with no bathtub...just shower) on campus duplex that was under 550 sq. ft. into a 4 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath (with bathtub), 2800 sq. ft. house! Nick & I prayed & discussed moving for several months before we finally started looking. We 'looked' for several months & usually didn't pursue anything...so, we waited. Knowing we want to foster/adopt, we knew we wanted a place larger than we currently have but prices were not always the most pleasing to us.

One Saturday, our friend Amy text me saying we should check out two houses that were down the street from where they just bought a house. Nick calls the numbers, 1 was way out of our price range ($1200/mo.) & the other...was the wrong number. Like any other curious woman that desperately wants a family & desperately wants out of 550 sq. ft., I drove by the house. I was able to get the number off the sign (1 number different from the one Amy gave me). I didn't stop because there were people outside, obviously working on the house. I was almost all the way back to our duplex & decided to phone about the house.

A woman answered & had an obvious Middle Eastern accent. My heart leapt! I thought she was Arabic. I have a special place in my heart for Arabic people. She asked if I was interested in the house, I told her yes but have a tight budget & don't really think we could afford it (she was asking $1400). We hung up & within 5 minutes she called me back saying she "had a good feeling about Nick & I as soon as I told her we were in seminary". She asked if we would be willing to pay a substantial amount less than she was asking & if I wanted to come look at the home. I thought, "is this real life?" I drove back over 30 minutes later & toured the house. I loved it. I just didn't know if she like me. She explained to me that her previous renters had been identity thieves & she had a really hard time with them...that she would be willing to lower the rent for a "good couple that she could trust". We scheduled for Nick & I to come together to look at the house the next day. I was late, but the woman (C) kept telling Nick how much she liked me. I got there & we immediately made other connections as simple as Groupon & Thai food. C told me it would be a few days because she had to decide between us, her sons (ha!) & another couple that had 3 children. My heart sank. Of course the couple with 3 children need this home. It'd be perfect for a family with 3 children. Nick & I continued to pray. We knew that if the Lord wanted us to move & to be in this home then He would work it out...if He didn't, we were content with His plan that is better.

A few days went by & C called us & informed us that "it just feels right" to have us live there. So, we signed our lease & were able to begin moving the next week. In a strange turn of events...strange but very good, our good friend Savanna was looking for a place to live & needed to be able to save money. Nick & I both agree that if we are living in this house just for us, it is just too big. However, if it is for us to bless others & use it in ministry, then we will live here happily. Nick & I prayed about it & then asked Savanna to think & pray about living with us, paying a small amount of rent so she can save money. I am happy to say, we have our good friend living with us.

The house is really cool in that it is sectioned off. One bedroom is on the far left side of the house while the other 3 are in a row on the right side of the house...separated by a large living room, sunroom & spacious kitchen. It makes the perfect set-up for housing a friend that needs a place AND it also allows us to not only pay less rent, but pay not much more than we were paying living in the tiny duplex. The Lord is good & knows my weary heart.

For now our biggest obstacle is just making it through working so we can go home to Mississippi for Christmas at the end of this week. There will be much rejoicing when that time comes. I am anxious to see all the faces I love so dearly. This season of rejoicing & thanksgiving I cannot help but find joy & peace in that God is good & He does good. His plans are so much greater than I could ever imagine. His plans that include giving orphans a home. He gave us a home...eternally & here on earth. I am so thankful, my heart could explode.

Here are some photos of our new home before we moved in. I'll make sure to post some later once we've finally put pictures on the walls & such.

View from the front of the house.

Our awesome treehouse in the backyard that Griffin & all future children we have (within the next few years) will love!

The awesome/spacious sunroom.Savanna's room...it's huge!Washer/Dryer area.Area across from washer/dryer where Nick is going to build us a folding table w/drawers underneath.
Terrific cabinet area in the kitchen.

Kitchen.

the most awesome fireplace/mantle ever.

part of the living room.guest bath.

My vanity in the master bedroom. To the left is our actual bathroom, to the right is my walk in closet. What you can't see behind where I was standing is our huge room & Nick's closet.

Today is a new day...

2011-09-13T16:36:00.001-05:00

spiritual warfare attacks....

What's your take on it? What's your experience with it?
I would love your thoughts.

Healing is in Your hands...

2011-09-12T18:39:00.000-05:00

Warning: This post is very transparent. Proceed with caution.

This past year of my life has brought so many ups & downs. To say that I've started to despise going to the doctor is a mild understatement. Several posts back I wrote about wanting children. That desire is still so very real in mine & Nick's lives. We know that the LORD is in control & that in His perfect timing He will bring us children...whether He allows us to adopt them or whether He allows us to physically birth them.

I visited an OBGYN in July to address issues of concern such as: infertility, abnormal bleeding, pain, etc. I was told, "you need to lose weight". Really woman? My thoughts were these: 1. My weight is a daily struggle for me. 2. I have completely changed my eating habits & no longer eat "unhealthy" due to my daily struggle. 3. I work out 3-6 times per week depending on the week. Really? Why don't you tell me what else I should be doing because the weight just isn't coming off.

Alas, I did not choose to be defeated, I wanted to figure out what was going on with my body. We scheduled a sonogram to be the next week. I went in for the sonogram, the woman performing it says, "hmmm....the lining is super thick for having been bleeding for 2 months straight & there is a mass of some sort inside". Great...I'm thinking we're finally getting some answers. I am then scheduled for another appointment to follow-up with doctor & discuss this "mass". At said appointment I spoke with the doctor & she felt the need to (again) drive home to fact that I needed to "really work on my weight 'issue". I felt defeated. I cried in her office. I became angry. I pressed through. I asked her to focus on why I was there...the mass. She decides I need surgery to remove it. I get to two days before the surgery & several doctors begin to call me & tell me their "fees". Total surgery cost (WITH INSURANCE) = $3000. Needless to say....I called off the surgery.

I spoke with my doctor about options, she told me they needed to do a biopsy to make sure it wasn't cancer. I was totally fine with that. I go in for the biopsy...most uncomfortable & painful thing I have ever gone through & I am not exaggerating...it was awful. Over a week later, I get my results: normal. :) I am thankful. In December (tentative) I will have the surgery to remove whatever the mass is (polyp, cyst, tumor, etc). In the meantime, I have found a primary doctor that has put me on an anti-diabetic medication to help with PCOS caused insulin resistance. I take one pill in the morning & one pill at night. It is supposed to aid my body in shedding the extra weight that it's holding onto due to over production of insulin, stop the over production of insulin & also promote ovulation. My doctor has even said it is linked to "multiple births" (YIKES!).

So how do I feel about all of this?
I am tired. I am exhausted from my body being "abnormal". I am tired of having no answers. BUT....I am hopeful. I am so hopeful in the LORD...in this very DRY season. There is an unspeakable peace that the LORD has given me that cannot be taken away by infertility or cancer or life. There is peace. Now, I still look at babies from time to time & think, "it's just not fair. why can't I be a mommy?" Even in a weak moment, I cried to Nick & said, "it's just not fair that teenage girls get pregnant on a whim & here we are doing things "the right way" & it's just not happening". I am not proud of those moments. I am thankful however that the LORD has allowed this season for me to press in deeper to Him & learn what it means to dwell & abide. It is hard my friends, but it is good. HE is good.

The LORD who knows my heart.

2011-07-11T21:48:00.001-05:00

In a turn of events...Griffin will be coming back to stay with us for a few more weeks! I am beyond excited!

It's been a while...

2011-07-07T19:26:00.000-05:00

This summer so far has gone by so quickly with Griffin that time feels like it stands still when he's not here. To say that I love this 7 year old boy is an understatement. When I was in the middle of my first year of college he was born. Before he was born, I remember pouring countless hours into praying for him, praying over his life, his future, who he would become, etc. After he was born, getting to help raise him, getting to continue to love on him & pour out prayers over him & for him.
I can honestly say that I don't know how I could love this little boy any more. Having him living with us since May has been one of the hardest things ever but also one of the most natural things. Nick & I have been stretched in so many ways we couldn't even imagine being stretched in & have learned so many valuable lessons on what to do & what not to do as we were "pseudo" parents for a month & a half. This little boy taught (& continues to teach) us that we are selfish sinners, in need of a Savior & the only way to peace, rest, joy is in & through Christ.
This past weekend when my sister came to get him, my heart felt like it was ripping to pieces. The day before he left, he & I just sat & cried together because he didn't want to leave & I didn't want him to go either. Nick & he had become inseparable...riding bikes during the day, eating many many snacks & then learning how to swim/playing. We love this little boy. At nights we had started somewhat of a routine of going for a walk around campus & letting Griffin ride his bike while we walked, coming back & getting showers, setting up his fort, Nick reading a Bible story to Griff out of his children's Bible we got for him & then settling in for bed/a movie. I miss this routine.
Throughout Griffin's summer with us he was able to go to Kids Village at The Village (where we attend church). I will never forget the night we were driving back home when Griffin asked "is my heart black?" & began to ask us how to make his heart red & alive again. Nick & I explained to him about who we are before Christ & what Christ did to redeem us & who we become afterwards. Griffin didn't completely grasp everything but he began to argue with us that he "is a Christian at his church" (<--in Mississippi). We all laughed & explained again to him what it is to be a Christian. He decided he didn't want to talk about it anymore but was obviously upset about it. This made my heart so full & so happy to know that prayers I have pleaded with God & things I have poured my soul out earnestly for are coming about. The LORD is seeking Griffin...teaching his little heart little by little & molding him into who he is going to become. I love it. I love that I got to be a small part of what God is doing in Griff's life this summer. I wish I could be a part of it his entire life. But for now, I can only continue to plead with Jesus for his soul & plead that Jesus would take care of my sweet sweet boy & grow him into a man that loves Him & love His Word.

Bad haircuts & Fresh starts..

2011-04-23T10:16:00.000-05:00

There's just something about being exactly where you are supposed to be. There is a joy & a peace that comes from being in that place. The picture above is from my time in Mauritius. Oddly enough, it was a documentation of my terrible bangs mistake. It didn't matter though...I was genuinely happy & in the place that God wanted me to be. These days, we are where God wants us to be but I'm finding that my smile isn't as genuine & I get worried about way more simple things than a bad haircut. I'm realizing that I need the Lord more than I ever thought.

Nick bought me a new journal for Easter because my old one I just filled up last week. It was the sweetest gift ever because he's pursuing the things that make my heart beat. Since I became a Christian, I have filled (on average) a journal a year of prayers, scriptures, etc. Since my mom had her stroke, it seems like my faith in the Lord began to deteriorate & I've been on that same journal for now 3 years. It is finally finished. With the closing of that journal & the beginning of a new one, my hopes are that just as that season of life is over, I can begin a fresh season with my Lord. A season where even the simple frustrations of a bad haircut (which I gave myself) don't get me down but I can laugh & even document the memory. Here's to a new season with the Lord...one where I seek Him every morning & rely on Him with my entire being.

Here's a picture of the journal Nick bought me. It's the 3rd one of this exact journal that I've had. I adore it.

Waiting Here For You...

2011-04-13T10:24:00.001-05:00

As of Late...

2011-03-29T15:39:00.000-05:00

I have decided I'm going to try to be more diligent about writing here. It does so much good for my soul to have this outlet of writing. So much more good than I ever dare let on. ;) The past few months have brought with it some much needed clarity into our lives that we've been praying for & longing for. The LORD has been so precious to us in the times that we felt so very alone & discouraged. I cannot comprehend why the LORD has been this good to us, but His presence has been thick & sweet as we've felt Him leading us into new places & seasons.

First off, I have really been struggling through this semester of school. I often love school but I loathe mundane assignments & teachers that are unprepared. How am I supposed to understand a subject & enjoy learning if a teacher is unwilling to actually teach but rather read powerpoints & then we are liable for all information on the subject. This could be an entirely different blog post & rant in & of itself, but needless to say...I have had a HARD time learning & enjoying learning this semester. Which leads me to something deeper. When I came to SWBTS, I had a desire to pursue college ministry...not counseling but found myself in a dual-degree program in which to be a licensed counselor. It wasn't something I even really sat down & thought about but just pursued this program because that's what I was "told I needed to do". Do I believe I am called to counsel? Yes. Do I believe I am called to be a licensed counselor? Not necessarily. Have I fallen into this weird system of someone else telling me what I need to do? Yes. Do I love college students & desire to mentor & impact lives for the Gospel? YES. Do I love where I am right now? No.

Saying all of this, I have found myself in a program that is falling apart (literally ending over the next year) & being pushed to make decisions that my heart just doesn't want to do. I know some of you reading this are probably thinking, "well stop doing what you're doing & start doing what you want to do". It's probably really obvious to you that that's what I "should" be doing...but then it'd just be someone else telling me what I should be doing rather than me making up my mind on my own. Part of me writing this out is an effort for me to make up my mind. :) So here I am...in school pursuing a license in counseling (LPC) & having no desire to even use that LPC...doing mediocre at best in my classes because of my lack of motivation & teachers that just want to finish the program. So what do I do? This is the questions I've been asking myself daily. What. Do. I. Do? Finish the semester? Drop out this semester & start "over" in the fall? What program do I want to pursue? Am I even supposed to have a Master's degree? So. Many. Questions.

Overall, I know my heart is for ministry & I know that I do not desire to have my own counseling practice. Although very practical & very financially smart...it is not who I am nor what I am called to do. I believe that I will be able to use skills I have learned thus far in my education as well as Biblical knowledge, discernment & the spirit of a counselor that the LORD has placed in me to give advice & wisdom to others in whatever venue the LORD takes me. He does it daily. What makes me think it will be any different in the future? I know some of the steps I need to take, but waiting on the LORD to reveal the "next step" so to speak.

Secondly, Nick & I are in this really weird season where we enjoy our jobs but know it's definitely not something we want to be doing long-term. He works as a landscaper & I work as a Mental Health Professional...My job = stressful, lots of paperwork, all of my extra time & constant state of thinking & evaluating. Nick's job = mundane, takes him away from people & tiresome which takes him away from schoolwork when he gets home & doesn't want to do anything but relax & talk. We know & understand that our jobs are from the LORD & we are exactly where the LORD has placed us for this season. However, our hearts are both longing for something more. Nick is looking for various other opportunities for work & I am content where I am until the LORD allows me to be a stay-at-home wife/mother/college minister (what I truly want to do) so that I can focus on our home, our marriage, gifts the LORD has gifted me in (music, art, encouragement, etc).

The LORD has been so good to us. Financially, we are at a place I never thought we'd be (able to pay back student loans, get out of that debt, etc.). In our family, we feel a strong desire & even urge to grow our family (more on that in a later blog)...& maybe not necessarily in the "conventional" way of doing so (i.e. adoption). The LORD has given us ideas for starting a business, ideas for raising support & also ideas for pouring into people & relationships around us. I'm so thankful for the burst of creativity & peace He has been giving us. I feel like we're on the brink of something huge but not quite sure what it is. Pray with us & for us will you?

I think that's all for now.

Blessings,
Sam

comments & John Piper.

2011-01-22T11:39:00.000-06:00

I've noticed lately that many people venture across this blog but few ever truly take the time to comment. That kind of makes me want to disable the option. I don't know many people that blog or write for themselves. Mostly, it's for others to know & get a glimpse into their lives & to share things they've been struggling with or about & often desire that others share in that with them or else they'd just keep it in their personal bedside journals for their own fulfillment. I am one of those. I want to know who's reading. I want to know what you think...even if it isn't agreeable with me. I want to know who you are, oh reader. I want to know how I can pray for you. I want to know your story. So, please allow me that joy. Many thanks!

Now, onto the real entry. :)
Lately I've been reading "A Hunger for God" by John Piper. Let me tell you, this book is rocking my world. I haven't gotten too far into it but I already know that the LORD has placed this book in my life for this very specific season. Just to give you a preview:

"The issue is not food per se. The issue is anything & everything that is, or can be, a substitute for God. My assumptions so far has been that good things can do great damage. Fasting is not the forfeit of evil but of good. The greatest adversary of love to God is not his enemies but his gifts. And the most deadly appetites are not for the poison of evil, but for the simple pleasures of earth. For when these replace an appetite for God Himself, the idolatry is scarcely recognizable, & almost incurable. Jesus said some people hear the word of God, & a desire for God is awakened in their hearts. But then, 'as they go on their way they are choked with worries & riches & pleasures of this life' (Luke 8:14). In another place he said, 'The desire for other things enter in & choke the word, & it becomes unfruitful' (Mark 4:19). 'The pleasures of this life' & 'the desires for other things' - these are not evil in themselves. These are not vices. These are gifts of God. They are your basic meat & potatoes & coffee & gardening & reading & decorating & traveling & investing & TV-watching & Internet-surfing & shopping & exercising & collecting & talking. And all of them can become deadly substitutes for God. If you don't feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because you have drunk deeply & are satisfied. It is because you have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Your soul is stuffed with small things, & there is no room for the great. God did not create you for this. There is an appetite for God. And it can be awakened. I invite you to turn from the dulling effects of food & the dangers of idolatry, & to say with some simple fast: "This much, O God, I want you." - John Piper

My desire is that my appetite for God be awakened like John Piper said. Often I take the good gifts that the LORD provides or gives & then fill up my time & energy with those things. Then, rather than desiring more of God, I desire more of His stuff. Some things that I often fill my life with that are good things but not God Himself are music, cleaning, work, school, cooking, watching Netflix, playing on facebook, going out to dinner, going to the movies, shopping, etc. Where are you in this? What are some things for you that are becoming "deadly substitutes for God"?

-sam

rest.

2010-12-20T16:41:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about that tiny little word lately. Rest. I work 40+ hours every week pouring tirelessly into my clients & often, I go home exhausted. My weekends have turned into us laying around & not doing much of anything because of needing to recoup from the work week. I'll be honest & say that most nights when I come home from work, I just wanna go ahead & crawl into bed because the next morning I'll have to wake early & start the same routine all over again. I love my job, but rehab is exhausting. Rest.

I picked up a book a couple of weeks ago & it's entitled...you guessed it, "Rest: Living in Sabbath Simplicity". To be honest, I didn't really wanna pick up another book to just have it reside on another shelf in my home like many many books already reside. I started reading & truth be told, I wanted to automatically put it aside because this woman was writing from a place where I am not. She is a mother & loving wife that pours into scripture & seeks the heart of God. I am not yet a mother & honestly, lately, my walk with the LORD has suffered much more than thrived. I felt so detached from this book already in just the few short minutes of reading that I kind of felt something stirring inside me to press deeper. I'm glad I did. I needed to be pushed a big. I needed to see a woman, where I want to be, be there...& grow. I needed to see a woman's perspective. Now, I won't say I agree with everything she has to say, but I do think she has wisdom in what she says & how she seeks. This book has been a continual reminder to me that the LORD made rest for us. To revive us. To restore. Rest.

I'm trying to develop a new approach to my job & not work "as much". I'm going in earlier so that I can be finished earlier & then not trying to do as much paperwork once I get home so that I don't neglect my time with Nick. So far, this is helping a great amount. For my sanity at least. I am learning what it means to truly rest. What does rest look like for you?

Mystery.

2010-12-04T11:54:00.000-06:00

It's been so long since I actually sat down to write something of substance. Too long. Lately my heart has felt so tugged in every direction that it's hard to pinpoint the exact place or area that I'm supposed to be focusing on in any given moment. My walk with the LORD has been very costly over time but lately I've been taken back by the fact that the LORD is worth every cost, every fraction or percentage of who I am, every dream, every moment of joy or even sadness. The LORD is worthy. Not because I make Him that way, but because of who He is.

Why is it that so often I find myself in the same struggling place because of my desire to control where I am, who I am, what I do, what I'm known for, etc.? I've found that it's a never-ending struggle for me...the struggle of who is on the "throne" of my life. Obviously I know that I should never be the one on that throne but the sad & ugly truth is that I stay there...always putting the LORD behind me & never before me.

I've been married almost 5 month now & to be honest, it's been a huge struggle for me. Not the loving my husband part, not the living in the same closed space part, but the submitting part. The learning to allow my husband to lead part...(especially when I think & feel that I am right about something). I'm starting to see how much marriage is a picture of our relationship with the LORD. Especially in my desire to control things. It seems that lately every time the LORD shows me how I'm acting or how selfish I'm being, I see it then I choose to continue in the same way I was walking. WHY!? It's so silly to do this, but I do. Afterwards, I find myself in the same ugly & broken state...knowing that what I've done was wrong & having to plead forgiveness all over again. I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm thankful.

This morning I feel inspired. I feel inspired to run or to write, to sing, to take a walk, to spend some time dwelling deep. I can feel it in my spirit that the LORD is about to do something big. Bigger than me. Bigger than anything I can comprehend. I need that. I need Him to move. I need Him on the throne & in control because He's showing me over & over that that's just not where I'm supposed to be. Nor do I honestly desire to be there. I desire to be the wide-eyed child that's staring in awe at what her Daddy is working on & seeing little glimpses here & there, always making the mystery of the unveiling & all the waiting worth it. So for now, I am here...in this season...pleading forgiveness & asking for whatever is next.

-sam

"Here in the Quiet speak to me now, My ears are open to, Your gentle sweet whispering. Break down the door, come inside, Shine down Your bright light, I need a lamp for my feet, I need a lamp for my feet. I want to hear the thunder of who You are, To be captured inside the wonder of who You are, I want to live, I want to breathe, To search out Your heart and all of Your mysteries. You were the first and You’ll be the end, Time cannot hold You down, Why save a wretch like me? No eye has seen, no ear has heard, No heart could fully know, All of Your mystery. Your glory burns in the stars, Shine down your light let it burn in my heart, Bring me to glory, bring me to you, Lord it’s your heart that I will hold onto. Your glory burns in the stars, Shine down Your light let me know who You are, Jesus, Your glory burns in the stars, Shine down Your light, let me see You, let me see You." - Mystery - Phil Wickham

December..

2010-12-02T16:06:00.000-06:00

Well, the 24 day challenge is over & I lost a total of 10lbs. That's pretty good for 24 days I'd say. There are many changes going on in our home these days. Many prayers going up. Many dreams being dreamt. I feel that I'm on the edge of a really great blog post & venture back into the land of writing that I used to delve into so long ago. Just gotta be patient. Love.

Day 9 & 7lbs down!

2010-11-09T23:51:00.001-06:00

I feel great!
I wish I had taken the picture thing but I couldn't find my dang camera. Hopefully soon. It's the end of day 9 & tomorrow ends the cleanse faze. THEN....14 days of more intense eating. :)

I feel fantastic!

The 24 Day Challenge!

2010-11-01T18:31:00.000-05:00

So, for a while now I've been wanting to do something to lose weight & actually commit to something rather than just do something here or something there. I started seeing a lot of talk about "feeling great", "looking great", "being able to concentrate & focus" & "having more energy" on my friend's facebook wall. I became interested & watched like a hawk for weeks. Then I became interested more in what she was talking about so I began to ask questions...which led to me realizing this was something I could do & hopefully see lasting results. So here I am...embarking on a 24 Day Challenge. What is the 24 Day Challenge you ask? Well, it's

Days 1-10 Cleanse Phase
The first ten days are about cleansing your body of toxins and preparing for optimal nutrient absorption, and you may enjoy weight loss as well!*

Herbal Cleanse-Citrus: helps to cleanse and detoxify your body.*
OmegaPlex®: essential fatty acids for increased overall wellness.*
AdvoCare Spark®: nutritionally-advanced energy*

Days 11-24 Max Phase
Give your body the best tools you need to achieve your next weight management goal during days 11-24!*

Metabolic Nutrition System (MNS®): Your choice of Max C+ (appetite control), Max E+ (energy), or Max 3 - for weight management, appetite control and overall wellness.*
Meal Replacement Shake- Chocolate: Complete nutrition in a great-tasting shake!
AdvoCare Spark®: nutritionally advanced energy*

--------------------------------------------------------------

There it is...24 Days of focus & vitamins.
So here I am...at the end of Day 1. Before dinner I was really tired & really hungry but now I'm okay again. I'm going to try to take a picture everyday & post it so I can document this entire process. One day at a time. My husband is proud. I am happy. All is well. :)

It's been a while.

2010-10-11T19:19:00.000-05:00

I don't really know what the LORD is doing in my heart today but He sure is stirring. I don't know what I'm waiting on, but I know that the LORD is calling me to wait. Maybe it's to hear His voice. Maybe it's for a child. Maybe it's for...well, I don't really know anything else.

I know that over the past few months my heart has started to grow & yearn to be a mom. I have (for years) said that once I was married I would have at least 5 years with just my husband & myself before we would begin having children. We've only been married 3 months (next week) & my heart has been yearning for our children. Nick is desiring it as well. I am hearing stories of friends being pregnant & see women everyday with their big bellies & am working hard against being jealous. It's so hard seeing other people with what you want.

I fully understand that we just recently got married & I also fully understand that right now would logistically not be the best timing. I do know that I want a child. I guess I'm scared of a lot of things right now. I'm scared I won't be a good mommy or that we won't be able to afford all the things that come along with said baby. I'm scared even that the LORD won't allow me to be blessed in this way. My heart is so torn in so many directions when it doesn't need to be.

I am learning that my hope & my trust & my everything has to come from the LORD & the LORD alone. He alone is my fortress...I will not be shaken when I put my hope & trust in Him. It seems like I am learning this truth over & over again & that my mind never fully grasps it the first time around so the LORD just keeps constantly bringing it to my attention...that my trust be in Him & Him alone.

I heard this song today. I've heard it before but today it has new meaning.

--------------------------------------
I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You LORD
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You LORD
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait.

I will move ahead bold & confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting, I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will not fade. I'll be running the race, even while I wait.

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You LORD
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You LORD
Though it's not easy, no, but faithfully I will wait. Yes, I will wait.
(John Waller)
--------------------------------------

Squash Casserole.

2010-08-04T21:31:00.000-05:00

Since being married I've been trying to branch out & cook more things than I would normally. Nick brought home some really huge squash from where some men grew them at his work. Seriously...they're huge. I've made boiled squash before but never actually tried to make squash casserole. I decided to try my hand & the end result ended being fabulous! Give it a try if you like...you won't be disappointed. My sweet husband even really liked it! :)

Ingredients

3 pounds yellow squash, cut into 1/4-inch-thick rounds
1 small onion, chopped
4 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 sleeve saltine crackers, divided
2 cups shredded sharp Cheddar cheese, divided
1/2 cup HELLMANN'S or Best Foods Real Mayonnaise
1 large egg, lightly beaten
2 tablespoons butter, melted
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/8 teaspoon salt

Preparation

1. Cook first 3 ingredients in boiling water to cover in a Dutch oven 25 minutes or until squash is very tender. Drain well; mash mixture with a fork.

2. Preheat oven to 350°. Crush half tube of crackers, and stir into squash mixture; stir in 1/2 cup cheese and next 5 ingredients. Spoon mixture into a lightly greased 11- x 7-inch baking dish.

3. Crush remaining crackers, and sprinkle over squash mixture; top with remaining 1 cup cheese.

4. Bake, uncovered, at 350° for 30 minutes or until cheese is melted and mixture is bubbly.

...waiting...

2010-06-15T18:36:00.000-05:00

I want to be a better woman than I am in this moment.
I want to be a great wife to Nick.

...food poisoning...

2010-06-12T09:19:00.000-05:00

The last post I spoke a lot about a woman that is very near & dear to my heart...Faten. Faten invited Nick & I over to her home for a "goodbye dinner/birthday dinner" & also invited another family. The evening was very fun. The first portion was filled with me crying then entire time (surprise surprise). We ate dinner, sat & talked a long while & then left.

About 3:30am on Friday I woke up with the worst stomach cramps & nausea I have ever experienced. I immediately ran to the bathroom & started puking for what would be a total of 12 times...the last two resulting in throwing up blood. I sat in the floor & cried because I couldn't get ahold of Nick because he had lost his phone the previous Friday. All I wanted was to not be alone because I was in so much pain & the throwing up was so harsh that my entire body hurt.

I managed to crawl back in bed & pretty much the moment I get to sleep I hear someone banging on my door. I look at the clock & it's only 5:50am. I look through my peep hole & who do you guess it is? Nick. Immediately he says, "I'm so sick. I've thrown up twice." I say, "me too!" For the next couple of hours we alternate going to the bathroom to throw up & to, well...you know what goes with that.

I cry because I'm hurting so badly & don't have insurance so I don't think I can go to the doctor. Nick tells me I'm going anyway. We go to CareNow...nauseous the entire way. They send us away because it will be an hour and a half to two hour wait. We drive back to campus & go to the campus clinic where they gave us both a LARGE amount of phenagrin by shot & tell us to go straight home because it is going to knock us out.

Nick went to sleep almost immediately. I, on the other hand remained awake & remained nauseous. I managed to drink some gatorade but then later threw it up again.

The past 30hrs have been very awful. Although I'm not 100% sure, I think it had to have been Faten's cooking that made us so sick. One thing's certain...I NEVER want to feel the way I have felt over the past day again.

It is kind of humorous because the very food I have grown to love has made me so sick & hurt me so badly that I never want to touch it again. Why don't we think that way about sin? Sin kills us. It robs us. It takes us captive. Yet, we hold sin like a pet & play with it. I've had a lot of time to think in between all the sleeping. Anyways, I hope all of you are well & not experiencing food poisoning...it's brutal.

...restore unto me...

2010-06-08T23:40:00.000-05:00

I've been wondering when I would actually take time to sit down & write. I can't begin to unpack everything the past few months have encompassed, but I will try. My emotions have been on a horrid roller-coaster that never seems to end. One day I'm so happy & could run laps around people & the next day I am depressed, lonely & ready to go into seclusion. I can't explain it. I know for a long while now Nick & I have both been feeling oppressed spiritually. Much like someone is physically pushing down or against our shoulders in order to hold us back. I have prayed to be relieved from this, but it always seems to come back.

Much of my stress comes from my job. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I work at World Relief & I get to minister to refugees from all over the world. It is a huge blessing. The LORD has brought the nations to me. He has brought me to Fort Worth & literally HUNDREDS of people from all over the world & over 15 different people groups to me...here...where I live. Selfishly there are times that I wish & desire to be overseas, somewhere else, loving on people. This week the LORD reminded me gently that He is allowing me to prepare for the day He will allow Nick & I to actually go. Right now, I am here & I am missing chance after chance because my focus is not on right now.

Along with loving my job, I hate my job. I work in the employment portion of World Relief. No one wants my job. It is by far the most stressful portion of working at World Relief. I work specifically with the women. By & large, women are unmotivated, lazy & just don't want to work. There are definitely the exceptions to this & I will elaborate on those precious gems in a minute, but the majority of my 50+ women have no desire to work. Time & time again I find a job for a specific woman (who most likely doesn't know English & won't try to learn) & she refuses to do whatever said job is.

At first it only frustrated me a little bit, but lately, lately I'm finding myself in tears at my desk when they refuse to work because over & over again we are seeing families being evicted or having to move to government housing because they are not able to pay their bills. To a refugee, government housing is just a free place to live & they like that idea...they do not realize that it is usually a place where there is much violence or crime. My women do not see that in taking a job they are doing well for their children. It is such a hard, hard concept to make someone understand when all they've ever had to do is stay at home & raise children.

I know I might sound a bit harsh, but this is the reality that I'm seeing everyday. Working in employment is so hard because there is this constant, everyday need of a job that these people have & I cannot meet it. I have no control over whether or not any of these women get jobs. I can only work my hardest to make sure these women know about jobs that are out there & available to them. One of the hardest obstacles is English vs. Somalian, Arabic, Tigrinia, Burmese, French, Swahili, Nepali, Bhutanese, etc. etc. etc. Most of these women have no desire to learn English...& if they do, ESL classes are either full or they have no transportation to get to them.

I have racked my brain over what I could do to help these women. I have dreamed dreams of establishing some sort of trade school/program that these women would have to go through in order to be equipped for a certain job (cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, etc.) & where each woman would have to do an intense ESL program everyday for a certain amount of time & then when they have worked their way through the program, sometimes maybe a year or two down the line, they will have skills enough in English & a specific trade that they are able to get a job with little to no effort. Of course, the plans for this are far more in-depth & complex for me to ever be able to pull off, but I just see such a failed system that is leaving so many refugees needy.

There are other women that work their fingers to the bone to provide for their families. One specific woman I can think of is Faten. Faten is the first refugee I met when coming to work for World Relief. Faten has 3 daughters & this family is by far my favorite. I have seen Faten go from knowing absolutely no English to now being able to carry on conversations with me about Jesus & the Bible. I have grown to love Faten so much & spend several nights a week in her home talking & eating Arabic food & laughing. She has become another mother to me & calls me her oldest daughter. I love this woman.

Faten has had such a difficult time with jobs in America. Because she has had little English it has been very hard for her to find a job. There was a moment of bliss in February when I was able to get her working for a cell-phone repair company in a warehouse for a time. A little over a month later, she was laid off. I was able to help her get a job at a restaurant here in Fort Worth but they only give her 8hrs a week where she has to clean bathrooms on her hands & knees. Because of this job, she has started having knee trouble. Faten is finding it more painful & debilitating to work than it is to just go without.

This morning, I was told of an opening at another cell-phone packaging warehouse. I was told to get my most needy woman...immediately I thought of Faten. I picked up the phone, called this woman I have grown to love & built a relationship with...a woman with whom I openly share Christ with when I meet with her & with whom I have seen the LORD begin to stir her with questions about Himself. I call her & tell her of the job & she tells me she cannot do it. I question why & she says that she has left her job at the restaurant as well.

She tells me that the work is too hard & she just can't do it anymore. She then tells me that next week or maybe the week after, she will move to California. Immediately I begin to cry. Sitting at my desk, in my office, I have to turn around & face the wall so that no one sees the tears streaming down my face. Although I was making no noise, Faten says, "Sam...don't cry. Please." At this point, I begin to cry more & then she also begins to cry & call me habibti (a term she uses for me that is Arabic for beloved one). When I can finally speak a word it is all garbled from crying & then people in my office begin to realize I have been crying. I get off the phone with her & immediately go to the bathroom & cry even harder.

You see, there are women like Faten that make my job worth it. I have invested in her & her daughters' lives & I have come to deeply, deeply love each of them. Right now my heart is breaking because she is leaving...because she cannot find a job that she can adequately do that won't hurt her so badly that she's not able to move the next day. Because she cannot afford her apartment & live...because no one is helping her.
These past few months have been brutal. I think at some point, everyday I have cried. I have wept at moments for people or even for myself. I have been so broken for the needs of others that it is beginning to wear on me emotionally. I have experienced more anxiety, stress & depression than I have my entire life. I keep thinking to myself that this part of my life is supposed to be happy & fun...don't get me wrong, it is at times, but right now with the added stressors of work, I have been miserable. I am so happy that in 38 days I will be a wife & begin a new season of life, but the journey leading up to it has been one of heartache & torture. Nick constantly tells me that joy will return & that joy is coming. I believe him, but I am so ready for that day. I do not desire to be a downer. I only desire to be transparent & let you know where I really am & how you can pray for me.

Today? Today my heart is breaking. Today my closest refugee friend that has become more like my family than anything is being taken out of my life. And today I will grieve.

Tomorrow? I do not know what tomorrow holds, but my hope is that many more women will walk into my life like Faten & make such an impact as she has. I can only fix my eyes on things above & have faith that the LORD will bring Faten to Himself.

...joy is coming...

wedding hair.

2010-05-15T11:57:00.000-05:00

So...I've been playing with my hair this past week to see what I might can do for the wedding. Here's what it looks like on a normal day:

Here's what it looks like right now:
And here is the finished product...for today:

Thoughts!?

"modest" swimwear.

2010-05-11T14:07:00.000-05:00

I haven't updated in a while so I thought I would do so with showing you what I just found for my honeymoon. (Please note that I am entirely sarcastic & in no way will be wearing this swimsuit!) :)

I only wish this were a joke...

You can order yours from this website. I have not laughed this hard in a long time. praise the Lord.

engagement pictures.

2010-04-12T12:30:00.001-05:00

These are not nearly all, but these are our favorites..

Our shoes we are wearing in the wedding...

This is what I call, "obsession". :)

Preview number 2...

2010-04-11T23:42:00.001-05:00

I was able to snag this picture... enjoy. :)

Saturdays...

2010-04-10T09:45:00.000-05:00

For some reason, I am in a very reflective mood today. There is a storm approaching & the air is chilled & the wind blowing. I think I love springtime in Texas. There's something about being able to keep the front-door open & be completely content. This afternoon will be spent with some much needed time in the Word & maybe even some painting. I just need today to rest & be still.

I feel like the LORD is calling me to Himself in that way...to be still. Often, I ignore His calls. This morning & even this past week, I was reminded of what my name "Samantha" means. It means "Listener of God"..."Sam" means, "God has heard." If that doesn't get me thinking then I don't know what will. For so long I haven't heard from the LORD & these past few months He's been stirring my heart, stirring my affections, just stirring...calling. It's time to respond.

God has heard my cry. God has bottled all my tears. God has listened. Now it's time for Him to speak again. I am eager. I am ready.

preview...

2010-04-09T19:23:00.001-05:00

Nick & I took engagement pictures this week. Just a preview of what's to come...

Making a wedding cake...

2010-04-02T17:07:00.000-05:00

Today, I attempted to make what could be my wedding cake. It was quite fun, a lot of work. I've never made a cake from scratch before so this was all a new process for me. I enjoyed it overall, but I'm thinking I need a cake decorating class & a few more attempts. Here was my process.

First things first, you gather your ingredients.
Next, you measure your ingredients.

Next, mix together your sugar, butter & eggs.
Next, mix in your food coloring, vanilla & cocoa.
Next, mix in your milk, salt & flour.
As you can see, I didn't have enough red food coloring. This would be "pink velvet cake" I guess.
Once my batter was finished, I poured it into a cake pan.
Then I ... placed it in the over on 350 for 35 minutes.
While waiting for the cake to bake, I did all the dishes.
When you take it out of the oven, you flip it over onto a hard surface. As you can see, mine stuck to the pan a bit. I had to do some "touch up" with the icing.
And...this is what the final product looked like after the homemade cream cheese icing. I will post another picture later after we cut it so you can see what the inside actually looks like. Oh & I will let you know how it tastes! :)

All in all I'd say this has been a fun process.

2010-04-01T15:47:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I need to write, but can't find the words to say... today is one of those days. Soon. Maybe tonight. :)

He'll carry your load...

2010-03-29T17:40:00.001-05:00

Today is a good day for frozen Reese's, coffee & Jesus. I'm so in need of Him. I bought a journal from Barnes & Noble a couple of weeks ago & I just now started using it. It's called the "Psalms Journal". Nick & I found it & he insisted that I buy it because for the longest time, I spend so much time in the Psalms. It's like the LORD just speaks to me over & over through the Psalms so I spend much time in this book. The past couple of days, I've been trying to use it. On one page it has a Psalm & on the opposite page it has a spot where you can write whatever you want. I choose to rewrite Psalms or to pray in that space. Today's Psalm was this:

"Who will give me wings," I ask -

"wings like a dove?"

Get me out of here on dove wings;

I want some peace and quiet.

I want a walk in the country,

I want a cabin in the woods.

I'm desperate for a change

from rage and stormy weather ....

I call to God;

God will help me.

At dusk, dawn, and noon I sigh

deep sighs - He hears, He rescues.

My life is well and whole, secure

in the middle of danger ....

Pile your troubles on God's shoulders -

He'll carry your load, He'll help you out.

He'll never let good people

topple into ruin.

Psalm 55:5-8, 16-17, 22 The Message

The newness of life...

2010-03-25T21:24:00.000-05:00

I have found myself lately wanting to really sit down & write. I remember the days when I couldn't wait to come home because I had something I wanted to write down or the LORD had been doing so much in my heart. The past 2 years of my life the LORD has completely wrecked my life...turning it upside down, flipping it around & tearing it apart. The beauty is that He did not & is not leaving me in that condition. As a result of the marred nature of my life, I have been in a very dry spell. Dry spell not only physically & emotionally, but also spiritually.

I have had moments where I have questioned everything I have ever believed about the LORD, His Word & even everything about myself. I have had moments where I knew God loved me, but moments where I questioned even the truth of that statement. Needless-to-say...it's been so rough.

I remember going into last summer thinking that if I could just make it to camp that everything would be okay because God always showed up at camp. I remember being at camp & thinking I couldn't wait to get away from camp, because I was so drained & tired & unfocused & still wasn't hearing from the LORD. I remember leaving camp & going to Georgia to spend a week with my dear friend Kristen & her husband Matthew & then spending a week right after that in the woods in a cabin decorated like "God-bless-America-land" to spend a week truly seeking the LORD & trying to be silent so I could hear from Him.

I remember while being in that cabin, being so angry with the LORD because He still hadn't spoken to me, answered 1 prayer in 1.5 years or anything...He'd just been silent. I read Francis Chan's "Crazy Love" while I was in the cabin that week. Something in me started to change & I knew change was coming.

During that week in the woods, I reconnected with a friend of mine...Nick. We ventured to Texas to visit my friend Andrea, met a new & now, very dear friend, Lauren & visited SWBTS. I didn't hear the LORD telling me to move to Texas or that SWBTS was where I needed to be, but I didn't hear Him saying no either. Things seemed to line up & it seemed like the LORD was opening all the doors for me to be here so...I applied & came...as did Nick.

Shortly, life began to change in a very odd way. Still not hearing from the LORD & feeling so alone, the LORD began to draw Nick & I closer to one another, but also closer to Himself.

This has been such a weird year. Such a good year, but such a weird year. Just a few short weeks ago did I feel like the LORD started speaking to me again. It's been so soft & so suddle, but I know there's coming a day when He will speak loudly again. Right now, it's little, simple reminders of who I am in Him & how He loves me...a truth that I've forgotten or forced out of my heart. A truth that is becoming more & more of a definition of my very being.

I don't have everything together by any means, but I am trying so desperately to be the woman the LORD wants me to be & the woman Nick needs as a wife. It's so strange how things change. I'm looking forward to the newness of marriage in just a few short months, but also trying to soak up the short time in-between.

2010-03-15T10:48:00.001-05:00

"Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you." - Ps 63:3

long time coming...

2010-02-28T23:42:00.000-06:00

I am sitting here, listening to Nick talk on the phone with a youth that he has been mentoring over the last year or so. I can honestly say that I am so proud of him & so happy that I get to marry my best friend. He is full of love & wisdom & generosity. I am so thankful that the LORD has allowed us to walk life together.

The more I think about being a wife, the more it scares the heck out of me. I have no idea what I'm doing. I have no idea how to be the wife the LORD wants me to be other than to spend time with Him & in His word. It's such a huge responsibility to be a wife. I'm pretty thrilled about the chance to do so in 4 1/2 months.

Along those lines...Nick & I have begun to pray individually about where the LORD would have us serve indefinitely one day. We know we are both called to missions & called to share the Gospel. The LORD has allowed beautiful chances for me to do so in working for World Relief with refugees. I'm just so excited about all the opportunities right here in Fort Worth. Although I am very excited about these days...I know the LORD will lead us somewhere else in the future & I am excited about the adventure He will take us on. For now, it remains a mystery to us, but we will continue to pray & seek & live in the now (which is kind of hard to do sometimes if I can be honest).

Please know that we would appreciate your prayers during this time & season of preparing for marriage. I know my heart could use it. I wake up daily & thank the LORD that He is allowing me to walk this part of the journey with my best friend & that He's allowing me to keep Nick for a little while. :)

-sam

Glory.

2009-11-05T17:09:00.000-06:00

In my life LORD, be glorified. Be glorified.

I'm needy for somewhere to serve. Somewhere to pour my life out into. I am not fulfilled with endless writings of papers, tests, quizzes, busy work, etc. I love school (the learning portion), but I don't like all the random work that is time consuming & takes me away from things I would rather be doing. This is such a strange thing.

My heart is just seeking something more. I can't describe it really. I've found myself lately sitting in my room with my guitar or going down to the lobby & spending lots of time on the piano. My heart is stirring to write & play. I'm also stirring to paint. I feel like the entire "we were created to create" mentality is coming alive in me in abundance. Perhaps I will be able to see some fruit of this soon.

On another note, I was asked to be a part of an artist compilation cd to help raise money to fund malaria medication for a hospital in Uganda. That's awesome! If you want a cd let me know...they'll be $10.

I just learned today is "Cookie Monster Day". mmmmmm.....cookie!

2009-11-01T23:47:00.000-06:00

The Sands of Time
The sands of time are sinking, the dawn of Heaven breaks;
The summer morn I’ve sighed for — the fair, sweet morn awakes:

Dark, dark hath been the midnight, but dayspring is at hand,
And glory, glory dwelleth in Emmanuel’s land.

The King there in His beauty, without a veil is seen:
It were a well spent journey, though seven deaths lay between:

The Lamb with His fair army, doth on Mount Zion stand,
And glory — glory dwelleth in Emmanuel’s land.

O Christ, He is the fountain,
The deep, sweet well of love!
The streams on earth I’ve tasted
More deep I’ll drink above:
There to an ocean fullness
His mercy doth expand,
And glory, glory dwelleth
In Emmanuel’s land.

The bride eyes not her garment,
But her dear Bridegroom’s face;
I will not gaze at glory
But on my King of grace.
Not at the crown He giveth
But on His pierced hand;
The Lamb is all the glory
Of Emmanuel’s land.

O I am my Beloved’s
And my Beloved is mine!
He brings a poor vile sinner
Into His house of wine
I stand upon His merit -
I know no other stand,
Not e’en where glory dwelleth
In Emmanuel’s land.

waiting.

2009-10-21T14:43:00.000-05:00

Thinking about where I am these days as opposed to where I thought I would be or where I wanted to be are very differing places. I am so thankful the LORD thought enough for me to place me where He has. Lately I've been struggling to believe the LORD's promises. I know He has called me here. I love school for the first time in my life & am doing well. I just can't find a job for anything. Money is depleted & I'm relying solely on Him. It's just hard when I can't see Him coming through for me. I ask for your prayers as I continue this journey of trusting Him & waiting on His providence.

Where am I?

2009-10-13T20:44:00.000-05:00

The thought has occurred to me over the past few weeks that 1) I have no updated this blog in quite some time & 2) I doubt very seriously the majority of the people that are/were in my life have any idea where I am these days. This year has been so outrageous for so many reasons. The LORD has moved & stirred & changed & called. He has transformed & redeemed & humbled me.

Feb. - my mom had stroke.
March. - I stayed in Clinton, MS...driving back & forth to Jackson daily to spend time with her in rehab.
April - mom moved home.
May - I moved to Mobile, AL to work as Financial Director & Developmental Director for MFUGE
June - MFUGE
July - MFUGE
August - I moved to Fort Worth, TX to start seminary at Southwestern Seminary.
September - Nick & I started dating.
October - I'm laying in the floor of a friend's apartment.

Here I am, at SWBTS . I am studying Marriage & Family Counseling. I LOVE it. I attend The Village Church & weekly I am challenged, humbled & encouraged by the teaching of God's Word. I volunteer at a homeless ministry called Beautiful Feet on Sunday mornings from 6:30am-noon. I love where the LORD has me. I AM however still looking for a job. Trusting in the LORD.

I'm sure there will be many more thoughts in my head over the next month or so & I'll try to remember to update as they come, but for now this is a general update for those of you that want to know what's up in my life. :)

love,
sam

PS....be encouraged.

I love Griffin. I can't wait till Thanksgiving.

2009-09-11T17:29:00.000-05:00

Liberte.

2009-05-05T01:01:00.001-05:00

Reading stories tonight of friends that once used to be so dear to me but we are now all going our separate ways because of growing up has made me very reflective & also very sad. The Lord is overwhelming my heart & life with change. Over & over again He keeps whispering these simple melodies of His love for me in my ears. I think He likes to remind me that I am His & He is mine. For so long my heart was so hard & so calloused. He has broken those chains that once held me so captive. Freedom. It is real. I am feeling as though I'm on the brink of change again. This time He's warning me. He's pulling me to it like a catalyst that I will springboard off of into some far-away mystery that has yet to be written. A catalyst. Something that brings about change. Change is coming. Change is stirring in me. Change bigger than anything I have seen or felt. Before my heart was hardened I was able to feel this change coming. It's been too long. The callouses have been removed & so has my fear. Gone. I cannot comprehend what the Lord is doing right now, where He is taking me, or how He is freeing me. I'm just aware that He is. And that my friends is something I have longed for & needed to be conscious of for a very long time. When?! along this journey have I lost my childlike faith that I once clung to without reserve?! I wasn't even aware that I had lost it. Seeing the Lord place that same faith in me again little by little has made me so aware that I have been without it & given me such a longing for more. I want Jesus. I need Jesus. That's the most real thing I can wrap my mind around tonight. I am desperate & in need of Him.

-sam

The life I live...

2009-01-16T16:08:00.000-06:00

I'm realizing these days that I'm living the life that a lot of people desire to live, but never truly live out. I'm going, doing, being. I'm living. I'm also very scared. I'm also alone. It's an exciting adventure...one of reckless abandon to the call the Lord has placed on my life. I have no idea what's around the next corner of my life or what the Lord is getting ready to do, but I know it's going to be huge.

I desire to be used fully. I don't even really comprehend what that entirely means these days, but I desire it. The Lord is stirring so many dreams, desires, passions, etc. in my heart & I'm anxious to see where He leads...how He leads & ultimately, how He moves.

This semester many conversations were had in our apartment of sellinge verything we have & giving to the poor. Everyone insisted that if anyone in our group was at the place to do this, it was me. I laughed like I always do, talked about how absurd the idea of selling everything was & moved on in conversation. Over the next few weeks the Lord truly began to stir in my heart the idea of selling my stuff (because that's all it is...is stuff) & giving my life away to the poor. At first, I thought o myself, "this is crazy...there's no way the Lord is calling me to this". The more I began to pray about what the Lord would have me do this next semester, the more He began to show me the extent that He was calling me to. I was to sell all my things to be able to go & be the light to a dark place. I have no idea how the Lord is going to work or move, but I'm so excited to see it all fall into place.

I am at a place where I can go & be & do for the Lord...regardless of what He asks of me...I can do it. I have nothing holding me back from giving my world away...& for one of the first times in my life, I truly desire to do just that. I desire to give everything I have to a ministry...150% no regrets. The Lord has brought me to a unique place in life where I have no stability, family, home, job, finances, comfort, etc. I can honestly say I've never been happier. I've also never been more uncomfortable. Nothing is holding me back. I have no roots deep enough to be held to one place for a long time at this point in my life & I'm alone. I can go. I can be. I can do. For His glory.

A year ago I wouldn't have even been able to imagine where I would be right now because my view was so clouded with the idea of marriage & a family. Although those things are still desires in my life, they are no longer an idol & I know that I am not ready for that place because right now...at least for this season in my life...I glorify the Lord more fully as a single woman. One day that will no longer be so, but right now...right now...in this season of life, it is true & right & good.

I am exactly where I need to be. I have more freedom to live out my dreams, passions, goals, desires. I have more ability to give & give well. I have more focus on the ministries the Lord is allowing me to be a part of. I have no doubt that the Lord will allow me to be a wife & mother one day, but right now, He has not called me to that place.

It's so weird when you let go of what you think you want & surrender it to what God actually wants for your life. This is such an amazing journey & I wouldn't trade it for anything. The Lord is Sovereign & I'm so excited to see where He leads me & how He uses me.

I refuse to settle for mediocrity.
I refuse to just work a job for the sake of working a job.
I refuse to keep my life to myself.
I refuse to keep the love the Lord has placed in me to myself.
I refuse to settle.
I refuse to give up.
I refuse to hold back...

Anything that hinders pursuit, forget. There are so many things in my past that hinder the pursuit of the Lord. I choose to forget them. I choose to press forward & run like never before towards the Lord with no chains, no idols, nothing in hands to be able to embrace Him & His will for my life. I have no idea how this chapter of my life will be written, but it's sure to be an amazing adventure.

Nothing less than my all...
-sam

Moving on..

2009-01-05T00:30:00.000-06:00

The Lord is revealing things to me in His Word that are so beautiful. He's making me fall more in love with Him day by day...I'm so thankful. I want to be different. Different than I was yesterday. Different than I was last year. This year is going to be a cornerstone for things to come in my life...I know it. I'm so excited about the journey I'm about to embark upon. The Lord is good. Time's are changing friends.
-sam

P.S. I'm moving to Memphis...let the games begin.

Home...is where it's hard to be.

2008-12-19T14:56:00.000-06:00

Reverse culture shock has already slapped me real hard in the face. Please be praying for me as well as the 30 others who have just reentered the lives they left back in July. Times are hard, but the Lord is faithful.

Oh to tell a story with my life like this man...

2008-12-04T04:07:00.000-06:00

Mkekdi Dibage
Martyr from Iran
Grew up a Muslim – converted to Christianity – imprisoned for 10 years when they found out about him. At the end of his 10 years, they issued a death sentence for him.

There was another pastor Hike Cosapian, who found out about his death sentence & decided he was going to throw himself out there & wasn’t going to be content & was going to cause a stir & he brought it before the international community & before the U.N. & because of the pressure from the outside world, the Iranian government was forced to release Mkekdi Dibage & three days later there was a price to pay.

They found Pastor Hike & they abducted him & killed him. Mkekdi Dibage at the funeral of Pastor Hike said, “I know how Barabbas feels now because I was set free because someone died in my place & someone died in my place.” Five months later, Mkekdi Dibage was mysteriously abducted & martyred for his faith.

Mkekdi Dibage was one of the greatest leaders of the Iranian underground church. His confession at the end of his 10 years when he had the death sentence before an Islamic judge who called him to renounce Christ.

“With all humility I express my gratitude to the judge of all Heaven & earth for this precious opportunity. I am a Christian. As a sinner I believe Jesus has died for my sins on the cross & by His resurrection & victory over death has made me righteous in the presence of the Holy God. The true God speaks about this fact in this Holy Word, the Gospel. Jesus means Savior because He will save His people from their sins. In response to this kindness, He has asked me to deny myself & be His fully surrendered follower & not to fear people even if they kill my body, but rather on the Creator of life who has crowned me with the crown of mercy & compassion.

I have been charged with apostasy. They say “you were a Muslim & you became a Christian.” This is not so. People choose their religion, but a Christian is chosen by Christ. He says, “You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you.” Since when did Christ choose me? He chose me before the foundation of the world. People say, “you were a Muslim from birth.” Christ says I was a Christian from the beginning of time. He states that He chose us thousands of years ago, even before the creation of the universe. The eternal God who sees the end from the beginning has chosen me to belong to Him…knew from the beginning those whose hearts would be drawn to Him & those who would be willing to sell their faith in eternity for a pot of porridge. I would rather have the whole world against me, but know that the Almighty God is with me. I would rather be called an apostate but know that I have the approval of the God of glory. Cause man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart.

They tell me ”return”, but to whom can I return from the arms of my God? Is it right to accept what people are saying instead of obeying the Word of God? It is now 45 years that I have been walking with the God of miracles & His kindness upon me is like a shadow. This test of faith is a clear example. The good & kind God reproves & punishes all those whom He loves. He tests them in preparation for Heaven.

The God of Job has tested my faith & commitment in order to increase my patience & faithfulness. During these 9 years, He has freed me from all my responsibility so that under the protection of His blessed name, I would have more time to spend in prayer & study of His Word…to search Him with a broken heart & grow in the knowledge of my Lord. I praise the Lord for this unique opportunity. God gave me space in my confinement, brought healing in my difficult hardship, & His kindness has revived me.

They object to my evangelizing, but if one finds a blind person who is about to fall in a well, and keeps silent, then one has sinned. Jesus Christ says “I am the door, whoever enters through me will be saved. I am the way the truth and the life.” He is our savior & He is the son of God. To know Him means to know eternal life. I have committed my life into His hand. Life for me is an opportunity to serve Him & death is a better opportunity to be with Christ. Therefore I am not only satisfied to be in prison for the honor of His Holy name but am ready to give my life for the sake of Jesus my Lord & to enter His kingdom sooner…the place where the elect of God enter everlasting life. May the shadow of God’s kindness & His hand of blessing & healing be & remain upon You forever.

Amen, & with respect (remember He was told to renounce his faith), your Christian prisoner, Mkekdi Dibage

"If I had not confessed the sin I cherished in my heart, my Lord would not have listened." (my version of combined verses)

2008-11-18T03:30:00.000-06:00

the things i'm learning lately...so thankful.

"If I had not confessed the sin in my heart, my Lord would not have listened."(NLT)

"If I regard wickedness in my heart, The Lord will not hear;" (NASV)

"If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; (NIV)

"If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened." (ESV)

The Lord...my Lord is teaching me so much about cherishing sin & not confessing is & not repenting of it, but also the results of repentance & restoration. I'm learning about pride, sin, gluttony, selfishness, idolatry & disobedience now more than ever. Yesterday I was able to spend most of the day by myself. I went to the beach & while I was there, I listened to 7 sermons (well...the bus ride there & back counts as part of that time). I listened, I learned, I repented. That's how it's supposed to be ya know? You listen, you learn whatever you're supposed to learn from it, & then you turn from what is wrong & run towards the Lord.

Often I forget that Jesus is everything. Not a portion. Not a piece. Not something you add to something because you feel like you need a little something "special". He is everything. I'm beginning to not only grasp this concept, but also to really believe it. What is my life going to look like as a result? It's hard to say, but whatever it looks like, it will look that way because the Lord made those changes. If we really...truly begin to grasp that Jesus is EVERYTHING & more important than anything...every thought we have changes. Every reason we have for doing things changes. Everything changes. I want that change. I do not want to settle. I do not want to compromise anymore. So often we compromise...but for what!? no.more.compromise.

My heart is extra tender these days. The thoughts of friends I have come to know & to love, perishing without Christ is beginning to overwhelm me. I want so badly for them to believe, but it's not something I can do. The Spirit has to work in their lives & soften their hearts so the Word can penetrate them deeply. These thoughts are beginning to consume my mind so much that most of my conversations with friends have been focused on the Gospel. I think maybe that's the way it should be. I used to have a preacher back when I was in high school that would say, "we need the Lord to stamp eternity on our eyeballs"...so that everyone we look at or come in contact with, we would look at them through the eyes of eternity & knowing Christ. I think, at least recently, the Lord has begun to do that very thing in my life. It's really weird when you can look back & see how self-focused most of your conversations are & then see how the Lord changes that to focus on Him & the Gospel.

One of my friends (that is not a believer...but is Hindu) recently said to me, "It's like the Bible calls to me to read it." This is amazing because it means the Lord is drawing her to Himself! This friend & I made a deal this past week regarding Christ. You can be praying for her as I am as well.

There are so many changes happening in my life...so many directions & possible directions the Lord is taking me. Some doors have closed, while others have yet to be opened. Please pray for me as I am seeking to know which door is the one the Lord has for me.

love.
always love.
always.

2008-11-18T00:00:00.000-06:00

Please pray for direction & clarity as I'm preparing to enter a new season of life...one that I'm sure will lead to great reward, but one that I'm slightly scared of & nervous to walk out to & embrace.

Clinging to You Father, I rest in Your embrace...for I know, that sometimes...things change.

2008-11-09T11:30:00.001-06:00

Learning. I am forever.constantly.learning. I have come to realize the past couple of months that I am full of disgusting disgusting pride. Over the past few weeks, the Lord has really humbled me & taught me so much more about myself than I ever wanted to know. A lot of things aren't pretty when you're faced with reality, but when you realize how great God is in light of every circumstance, the ugly sometimes starts to become beautiful.

For a while now I've felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. Why is this you ask? When you begin to place so much of who you are in another person, you begin to lose yourself. I never want to be "lost" again. The Lord is allowing me to find myself...this time, I'm a bit different & I can't say that I'm sad about it. Life is changing. My heart is changing. The things that used to drive me, once again drive me, but now are spurred by other things & much stronger than before. The Lord is good. The process of restoration is such a hard thing, but in the end, so beautiful. I can't say that I've enjoyed the process, but I can say that I am enjoying being restored.

Jesus.Is.Everything.
He's not just part of your life...He should be your life. I know this is such a simple truth, but sometimes simple truths mean the most when applied. I've begun to ask myself the question, "what would my life look life if I really sought to know Jesus more than anything else?" The answer to that question is..."radically different".

So here I am, all of me, finally....everything.

I will not pretend to know what the Lord has for this life He's allowing me to live, but I'm enjoying the things He's showing me, places He's taking me, & the adventure that it all has become. I'm learning so much & honestly, hope to never stop learning.

I want to be the woman that Proverbs 31 speaks of.
The verse right now that I want to apply is 26.
"She opens her mouth with wisdom, & the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."
The Lord is humbly making me into this woman. It's such a hard process, but I'm sure will be well well worth it in the end.

Things I'm learning:
I am prideful.
God hates pride.
God is full of grace.
Sometimes God has to remove the imperfect so perfect can come.
I love people.
We were created, not to be alone, but for relationships...1st with God, then with others.
I can have fun.
I've missed laughing.
I've missed dreaming.
Jesus is more important than anything.
Jesus. Is. Everything.
Love is shown through forgiveness.
When you forgive...you love.
Sometimes you have to let go.
I am worth it.
Habibti.
Gentleness.
Freedom has never felt so good.
In this moment...I am happy & I am loved.

Some food for thought.....& my utmost prayer right now.

"Pride"
-The Valley of Vision-

Let not pride swell my heart,
My nature is the mire beneath my feet,
the dust to which I shall return.
In body I surpass not the meanest reptile;
Whatever difference of form and intellect is mine is a free grant of thy goodness;
Every faculty of mind & body is thy undeserved gift.
Low as I am as a creature, I am lower as a sinner;
I have trampled thy law times without number;
Sin's deformity is stamped upon me, darkens my brow, touches me with corruption:
How can I flaunt myself proudly?
Lowest abasement is my due place, for I am less than nothing before thee.
Help me to see myself in thy sight, then pride must wither, decay, die, perish.
Humble my heart before thee, & replenish it with thy choicest gifts.
As water rests not on barren hill summits, but flows down to fertilize lowest vales,
So make me the lowest of the lowly, that my spiritual riches may exceedingly abound.
When I leave duties undone, may condemning thought strip me of pride,
deepen in me devotion to thy service, & quicken me to more watchful care.
When I am tempted to think highly of myself, grant me to see the wily power of my spiritual enemy;
Help me to stand with wary eye on the watch-tower of faith, & to cling with determined grasp to my humble Lord;
If I fall let me hide myself in my Redeemer's righteousness, & when I escape, may I ascribe all deliverance to thy grace.
Keep me humble, meek, lowly.

I ruined my Nalgene today...

2008-11-08T06:01:00.000-06:00

I put boiling water in it to get some mold out from leaving water in it for so long. There is now marks all on the inside of the plastic where that stupid BPA chemical is going to be getting in my bloodstream if I drink out of it again. Such a sad day.

2008-11-05T12:50:00.000-06:00

At what point does faith start to become ridiculous?

life is good....rolling along. i'm happy...genuinely. it's been a while since i've been able to be in this place.

2008-11-02T23:48:00.001-06:00

this is from our Halloween party we had with some of our friends from M-town!

l to r: Andi (rockstar), Sam (kindergarten teacher), "A" (indian dancer), Keri (hairdresser), Kitty (goldilocks w/special guests...the 3 bears)

2008-10-18T13:07:00.000-05:00

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - psalm 37:18

2008-10-09T04:44:00.001-05:00

"Nothing makes God more supreme and more central in worship than when a people are utterly persuaded that nothing--not money or prestige or leisure or family or job or health or sports or toys or friends--nothing is going to bring satisfaction to their sinful, guilty, aching hearts besides God." John Piper

fun adventure.

2008-10-05T02:54:00.000-05:00

we hoped on a bus and took it wherever it would take us and found my most favorite place (so far) on the island. here are some photos.

de notre île dans l'Océan Indien.

2008-09-24T10:08:00.000-05:00

vie est bonne. (life is good).

There is so much to tell...so much to explain that I don't know where to begin. When I last wrote, Ramadan was about to begin and we were being kept awake by many, MANY frogs. Ramadan is just about to be over, but there are still many loud croaking frogs...we've just learned to put out earphones in at night to help us sleep.

I have found a church that I have connected with and am able to worship weekly with other believers (such a cool thing in another culture). The day that I decided to go to this church, I went by myself. As I walked up to the front doors, the presence of God was so thick and so sweet that I knew I would feel "at home" there. When I walked in, I saw the two guys that are also on my team towards the front...I wasn't alone. :) A very sweet woman came to me and welcomed me and I met a lot of other people as well. The service is spoken in creole and translated into English. It's a very sweet time of worship especially since some songs are in English, some are in French or Creole. Sometimes, a song is a familiar tune and I am able to sing along regardless of the language on the screen, however, it has been fun to pick up some Creole...especially with music.

Meeting people and building relationships with them has become much more easy as we are seeing many people approaching US rather than the other way around. One of my roommates (kerianne) and I joined a very cool "club" at the beginning of September and go 3-5 times a week. During our couple of hours there at a time, we've been able to connect with two very important people at this "club" (i'll call them D & M)...they are married and run this "club". Through out frequenting this "club", we've been able to gain some repore with them and have been able to talk about things past the surface which is a complete answer to P'yer. Also, we've connected through this "club" with a girl (K). Today, after our time at the "club" we spent several hours together and were able to talk about why I believe in Jesus, why she does or does not believe in Hinduism, etc. She is not a devout Hindu and you can tell that she has many questions but isn't sure how to ask them. Please PLEASE be in P'yer for K so that we are able to help her find THE Answer. It's really cool the friendship that is being built between us. :)

This past Sunday afternoon was the start of the C that we have begun. I was able to lead W'rshp and next week I'm leading again as well as speaking about things the Father is doing in my life. Please be in P'rayr for this time together and for people to come. (I don't enjoy speaking in public, so please remember this as you P'ray that the Father would speak and I would just say what He wants.)

This past Saturday a couple of us were able to go serve about 150 homeless people a warm meal. It was so sad and so rewarding all at the same time. I am very grateful we had the chance to minister alongside other believers to meet a physical need. Allan (another guy on the team) was able to speak to the group about Jesus and share what He was leading him to.

Everyday here is a growing and learning experience. The Father has been speaking to me a lot lately and I am asking that you P'ray that He continue doing so. I feel like He's giving me direction for life when I return to the U.S. and I feel like He had to bring me all the way to Africa to tell me. I plead your P'rayers in this time of seeking His will for my life. If He is leading where I think He is leading, it's going to be a big move. I don't feel at liberty to say anything specifically about where that is right now because He hasn't confirmed anything at all at this moment, but I do ask that you P'ray for clarity, providence (financially and spiritually), and further direction.

I thank you for your continued support on this journey and look forward to continued updates. Also, please do not forward these e-mails to anyone unless asking me first and receiving permission. Thank you!!

learning & growing,
sam

And if you give yourself to the hungry
And satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
Then your light will rise in darkness
And your gloom will become like midday.
-- Isaiah 58:10

2008-09-15T02:10:00.000-05:00

Then the nations around you that remain will know that I the LORD have rebuilt what was destroyed and have replanted what was desolate. I the LORD have spoken, and I will do it.
--God (Ezekial 36:36)

I read this today on a friends blog and am reminded that the Lord does not leave things broken. I'm waiting for my heart to be healed. I'm waiting...it seems like it's taking forever, but I will remain waiting, until He heals. I don't understand what God is doing in my life right now or why He shatters dreams and plans, hopes and desires, but sometimes...sometimes He does. However, the promise remains that He doesn't leave things broken. I want to be whole again. I'm crying and begging for that today. I want to be whole.
-sam

so.many.thoughts.

2008-08-24T14:35:00.000-05:00

I think right now, this very minute is the first time I've actually had to sit and process my thoughts about being in Africa, coming here, what the heck I'm doing here, and so forth. This is also the first time in the past 3 1/2 weeks that I have been in a room by myself for longer than 30 minutes. It's almost overwhelming, but I am also finding it very refreshing and it is allowing for much time to focus and gather thoughts that have been swarming around in my head and heart.

I can't tell you how many times since leaving the U.S. that the thought has run through my head, "God...what the heck are you doing!? Why do you want me here?" I can't tell you how many times I've cried and wanted to go home because nothing was familiar...they were often at first. However, thanks to new friends that I feel like I've known my entire life, I was able to find some good laughs. Honestly, almost 4 weeks into this thing, I STILL have no clue why God wants me here, I just know that He does...and I know He's changing me in so many ways.

I don't say this to sound conceited or whatever, but I honestly don't think I've ever been this fun. I have no reason to be anything other than exactly who I am. I love frisbee....I've played lots of it since being here. I love to sing and play guitar...I'm being open about that and actually playing in front of people...even getting to lead in a really cool way this semester...one I probably would've shyed away from 6 months ago. I am being adventurous and trying new foods...even when they look terrible, smell terrible, and I have no reason to think that digestion will be an easy thing a short time from whatever it is I'm about to consume has had it's way with my insides.

I'm also allowing my love for things like hiking, the mountains, and waterfalls to come out. In a week or so we're going to jump from our first waterfall. The guy that's going to take us said the smallest one is like 35 meters and the largest is over 95 meters...so we're going to start with the small one, then if we like it, aren't too shaken up, and so forth, we will venture to bigger ones! Then...we have a couple of mountains we are wanting to hike to the top of. I don't think I've ever been this excited about so many random things! I am also about to start taking a taebo class with one of my roommates in order to build relationships with the girls that we meet there. I love being where I am right now because there is so much opportunity for creativity. The greatest gift we have to offer people is love Himself.

I'm learning so much about myself and about who I want to be. One of my main prayers for myself this past year has been that the Lord would make me gentle. Never have I been able to see Him working so much as He is right now in that area of my life. I am so excited about the fact that He is moving in such a way that I would be able to see it! I am also learning to make decisions. Something that often got me in trouble with people that are very close to me is my inability to make decisions. Most of the time, I just want the other person to be happy, so I want to do whatever they want to do, etc. The Father has placed me with a group of 4 other people that have the inability to make decisions...1 other person does so we inevitably in ever situation become the decision makers. Honestly, it has been a really weird thing for me, but I'm becoming more used to the position.

I have been sick just about every day since week 2 started. At first I was upset about it because I couldn't keep anything down...or in, but with time, I've just adapted and realized my stomach just isn't cut out for a lot of things and so I just deal with "side-effects". I'm learning what is good for me to eat...what is not, etc...all the while, trying to be open to new things as previously stated.

I've been given a newfound love for the Word. I've read more over the past 4 weeks than I think I've read this entire year. Not just reading...but studying as well. I'm learning so many new things and the Father keeps revealing things that have to do with where He's placed me too. It's a really neat thing to be experiencing. My love for prayer has always overshadowed my love for the Word, but I'm finding that they are balancing.

There are so many things I could write about. So many things still running around in my heart and head. It's late, or I would continue on. I hope this gives you a more clear idea of my life right now and where I am. I welcome your thoughts.

I miss home most days, but I am so grateful for this opportunity and so excited to see how the Father uses it in my life ahead.
-sam

idol worship.

2008-08-21T10:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we went to a Hindu temple and saw an idol that was over four stories tall. It made me physically sick to my stomach to be there. There was such a manifestation of spiritual warfare in that one area that it physically made me sick. We walked down a hill to a place where the Hindu people believe is connected to the Gange River in India and there are idols out in the water. The people believe that if they bathe in the water then their sins are washed away and they are seen "right" in their god's sight. Many people will bring offerings of fruit and incense to leave for their god. Seeing people physically bowing to built idols broke my heart. There is no hope apart from Christ. It's just so hard to see people giving their lives to something that will never offer them life...true life. Yesterday was a hard, but growing day because I believe the Lord has opened my eyes so that I may be able to be creatively used for His purpose.

Ce Va!

2008-08-17T10:06:00.000-05:00

Hello from the Island!
Just wanted to let everyone know we made it and are settling in.
Can't wait to update you guys!
-sam

"Tell me a story!"

2008-08-14T08:34:00.000-05:00

Hello from Tanzania!
I have just completed 2 weeks of traning in Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania. There is a group of 37 of us that have now spread out to different parts of the CESA region of Africa until December. My team is last to leave, therefore, we are on the compound all by ourselves until Saturday. I thought that while we have some time, I would update all of you on what has happened in my life the past 2 weeks.

Leaving to come:
EVERY ONE of my flights were delayed or canceled. I had the hardest time getting to Washington to catch my international flight, but eventually made it and was able the board the plane with everyone else that was waiting for me.

Arriving:
When we arrived, we settled in and began to be "trained" on African culture, way of life, in's and out's...etc.

About 6 days after being here, I received a phone call from my mother and was told my sister (alex) has cancer and they were operating that day. I was caught completely by surprise and really shocked but there was nothing I could do but pray. The next day, my mom called and told me they were able to remove all the cancer and now all she has to do is go in for appointments and stuff like that.

I titled this "tell me a story" because we have learned a concept of "storying" in order to share the Gospel with people. Africans have a tendency to love to talk and share stories and they have found that through sharing stories like creation, adam and eve, abraham and isaac, the prophets, moses, and Jesus (among lots of others) that people become more interested in what you have to say especially when you start by saying, this is a true story from the Bible. Once you share the story (without interruption), you get the chance to have discussion with the person(s) about the story.

I was able to pray for a Muslim woman's baby which we named Angel because her name sounded like Angel and we couldn't really pronounce her real name. I noticed on Angel's wrist, a black piece of cloth that was tied around it. We asked the woman what it was for (knowing what it was) and the woman told us it was a charm placed on her (witchcraft and spells) to bring healing. Through that, we were able to share about Abraham and Isaac as a segway into Jesus dying on the cross for us and providing the sacrifice for our sins and being the only Way. She accepted Christ.

My team is great. They are teaching me how to view everyone as a friend and how to love like Jesus regardless of circumstance.

The Lord is stretching me and teaching me huge things through my time away in just these two short weeks. He is giving me a love for the Word that I never knew existed in my heart and life. I'm so thankful for this, because this is something that I've prayed for, for quite some time. There have been several moments where I longed for home or something familiar, but I know that the Lord will settle my heart soon. Please pray for this.

I look forward to updating you once we arrive to our final place for the semester and sharing more specific stories and how you can pray for me and my team.

I love you all and am so thankful for the partnership we have in the Gospel.

learning,
sam

2 days...

2008-07-29T11:07:00.000-05:00

There is the fight for holding on. And the fight for letting go. The hardest thing i have ever experienced is the learning which and when. But i still say it's worth it, that love is real and possible. There are things worth fighting for, and love is at the top of the list...- Jamie Tworkowski

Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. Everything is, everything exists, only because I love. Everything is united by it alone. Love is God, and to die means that I, a particle of love, shall return to the general and eternal source. -Leo Tolstoy

Maybe I'm crazy in thinking that the Lord completely wrecks our dreams in order to bring something even more beautiful to the surface of our hearts....something so beautiful and so insane that we could not imagine it on our own. I once had plans. Everyday really I have plans. Everyday my plans become more and more insignificant in the vast picture of things. Everyday my heart gets a little more stir crazy to leave the things that are so common and comfortable.

So many times You have changed my vision and heart and plans. So many times I have asked You "why?". Yet, so many times You looked back at me and loved me anyway, understanding my limited vision to be able to see only what was in front of me. Why You choose to use me, I'll never fully comprehend, but the fact is that You DO! Thank You.

Give me a heart that's humble enough to go wherever You lead me, a vision of eternity for the people that do not know You, and the strength to go whether You bring someone into my life to go with or not. I want Your will, whatever that is. I'm learning to trust You even when I cannot see the next step. That used to be hard for me.

Keep my heart seeking, for when it's seeking, I feel alive. This mystery is so beautiful Dad. Thank You for allowing me to be a part of it. Lead me. I'll follow. Grab my hand and my heart and run away. I think You already have. Lead me so I can find it again. I love You. I trust You.

Often I get so caught up in "what's next" that I forget to focus on the now. However, lately I've longed to focus on the future. My heart is yearning for the future. The Lord has big plans for me. Big plans. I can't wait till He unveils my eyes so that I can see. You see, He's been working on this masterpiece for quite some time. Everyday He works a bit more to make it more perfectly shaped to my life...the life that He gave to me. To bring Him glory. And glory I shall give Him. In the then...and in the now.

My heart is unsettled lately. I'm no longer searching for consistency. My heart is longing for change. For with change, life brings new experience. The mystery of what the Lord is doing becomes more and more abundantly clear to my seeking heart with change. Just like the weather is changing and becoming so beautiful and crisp, so my heart is changing. The Lord is molding me. The Lord is shifting me. I don't know the next step. For the first time in a long while, that's okay.

My smile has become more genuine lately. Has everything gone exactly the way that I would have planned? No, and that's beautiful. Has everything been extravagant and great? No. Things have been hard, rough, heartbreaking, silly, happy, joyful, sad, depressing, gut-wrenching, powerful, weak, and frail. I have been let-down, but also built-up. I have been a ship-wrecked being ready to sink and drown, but the joy of the Lord has remained my strength. The beauty of the wreckage has been my motivation. The Lord is good. Often, I forget what that small word entails. It encompasses a lot more than any of us are willing to admit. good. We are not good.

The Lord is the strength of my soul and I rejoice.
My hopes are so high that the Lord is going to do great things with me and because of me. Because of my willingness to be used. I don't want mediocrity. I don't want conformity. I don't want easiness. I want the things that are going to make me stronger. I want the things that the Lord is going to use to reach the seemingly unreachable. I want to be uncomfortable. Because in our uncomfortability, the Lord chooses to show us great things about Himself, but also about ourselves. I want to know great things!

"This is what God the Lord says - He who created the heavens & stretched them out, who spread out the earth and all that comes out of it, who gives breath to its people, & life to those who walk on it, 'I the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you & will make you to be a covenant for the people & a light for the gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison, & to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness." - Isaiah 42:5-7

12 days...

2008-07-18T15:43:00.000-05:00

I can't believe time is closing in so fast! I'm sitting at LFR (Lake Forest Ranch) for Mission Camp Macon (MCM) and the internet is ridiculously slow. I have enjoyed my "week off" from fuge to come work for MCM. Although there are probably about a thousand things that I need to get done before I leave the country, I'm thankful for my time here at one of my most favorite places on earth. It's been good...trying at times, but really good. I'm learning a lot about myself and a lot about the Lord.

My team, at first was a team of 4 girls. I was really excited about that. I have a hard time getting along with girls and was really looking forward to the chance to be forced to view everyone as a friend (which is something I'm learning). Over the past week, we have added 2 guys. I have to be honest and say that at first, I wasn't very happy. The more I think about it, the more it is logical to have males on the team because of safety reasons. It just makes sense. I'm pretty excited to meet my new brothers and sisters in ministry in 12 short days! We are already planning to hang out when we get to D.C. for our night before we head out on August 1st.

Please continue to be praying.

I am still in need of the electrical converters that I spoke about previously.

in His love,
-sam

UPDATE!

2008-07-10T15:53:00.000-05:00

I have gotten my malaria medication & hopefully the phone situation is about to be taken care of. I will keep you updated on all this. Things that are still to be taken care of are the adapters for electrical use as well as skirts. My Visa application has been printed and will be sent today! I'm getting more and more excited about closing out the current portion of life and starting this new journey.

More updates soon...

21 days.

getting ready.

2008-06-30T22:37:00.001-05:00

Hello friends & family!
If you are receiving this e-mail, you gave me your e-mail address to receive updates from the field (which includes before entering!). As of today, I have 31 days until I will leave the U.S. and head to Africa. There are several needs that I still need to get taken care of before I am able to go. If you are able to help with any of those needs, please respond to this e-mail. (Needs will be listed below).

Life has been nothing short of a whirlwind for me since May 9th. I graduated from Mississippi College on May 9th, moved home May 12th, hung out with my family a week, and then received a phone call from FUGE (lifeway's summer camp) because I've worked camp before. This phone call asked if I had plans for the summer & if I would be willing to work camp at MC for the summer. I did NOT have plans for the summer because everything I had looked into had dates that conflicted with Africa. HOWEVER, the dates for this camp, do not. As of June 1st, I have been working at Mississippi College for MFUGE & CENTRIFUGE. I arrived a day before camp actually started, which means I missed the entirety of training week. I was able to jump right in and camp has been great! We are now entering Week 5 of camp and have 3 more weeks to go. We will be leaving camp July 28th and I will leave for Africa on July 31st. Yes...that's right...2 days at home before leaving the country until December 17th.

As the days grow closer to me leaving, I am daily reminded of things that I still need to get done before I am ever able to leave the country. I am daily reminded of how much prayer is needed as well as required. The Lord is shaping me and molding me. There are days when I very much look forward to my time in Africa and then there are days that I am completely nervous and anxious about leaving. Please be praying for peace to reign and the Lord to move.

You can stay updated through the blog I have made at:
http://samantha-roberts.blogspot.com

Thank you so much in advance for all of your support and help!
PLEASE RESPOND!!! Anything that is not donated, I will have to go purchase on July 28th the day I leave camp!

-Sam

My address for the summer is:

Sam Roberts - FUGE STAFF
Mississippi College
BOX 4041
Clinton, MS 39058

(for packages)
Sam Roberts - FUGE STAFF
Mississippi College
200 S. Capitol St.
Clinton, MS 39058

NEEDS THAT YOU CAN HELP WITH (I have tired to separate specific needs):

I need $200 for a 4-month supply of Malaria medicine. If you would be willing to help with this, or buy the Malaria medicine and send it to me, please please PLEASE reply to this! Malaria medicine that I would be able to take includes:
Malarone TOTAL of 46 pills needed OR Lariam (Mefloquine) TOTAL of 21 pills needed

I need power adapters that can be found online at radioshack.com (the green is links that can be clicked on to go to the specific product needed & the number is how many I have been told that I will need). If you are confused about what the ends are supposed to look like, you can check out this website: http://users.pandora.be/worldstandards/electricity.htm#plugs and look at the C, D, F, & G options because those are the ones that I will be able to use...if not, these options listed below are exact matches!)

1600-Watt Foreign Travel AC Converter (3)

50-Watt Foreign AC Converter for Electronic Equipment (3)

85-Watt Foreign Travel AC Converter (3)

skirts that are below the knee.
some skirts that are to the ankle.
a couple of slips to be worn under the skirts. (these are requirements and i have none of these). I need a size Large or XL if you are sending these!
a telephone that have a SIM card accessibility. if i don't get one donated, i have to buy one. we are required to have one for communication with the local youth & college students.
$100 for communication while on the island. (phone cards, internet cafes, etc.
$100 for Visa processing.

SPECIFIC PRAYER NEEDS!:

for needs to be met before I am able to leave
for speedy Visa processing (I've been having problems with the processing/application)
for the last 3 weeks of camp & campers here
for relationships in my life
for the Lord to be glorified in and through everything I say and do
relationship that will be made on the field
the lives I will come in contact with while on the field.

I leave in...

2008-06-29T00:19:00.000-05:00

Africa
Thursday, July 31st, 2008 11:30 AM
1 month, 2 days, 11 hours remaining

peace reigns over my heart.

2008-06-22T10:59:00.000-05:00

If you have skype or plan to get it (computer to computer video chatting that's FREE!!!) my skype i.d. is: samroberts23 please add me but make sure you put a message when you add me so I know who you are and I don't block you because I think I don't know you.

When I woke up this morning I had a strange peace about everything...about Africa, about Fletcher and my relationship, about the rest of the summer....everything. I know the Lord is with me. I know the Lord is sending me. I know there will be hard times, but above all else, my trust is in Him. I know that in Him I am safe. I do not have to worry for I am His.

I have been reading this book that Fletcher gave me for Christmas this past year by E.M. Bounds, "The Classic Collection on Prayer". It's lots of books compiled into a series so it's really big, but I have to be honest and say that I love it. Every page of it I read, I learn something new about the Lord and about prayer. I learn something more of how Sovereign the Lord is and how just and how good and how powerful He is. I don't just love this book because of who gave it to me, because I don't always like books that people give me, but this one is different. I would definitely put it down in my top 5 favorites and I still have so much more to read of it. I suggest you pick one up if you get the chance. You might could try amazon.

This morning when I was spending time with Jesus I read in Colossians 3...this is a passage I've been stuck on for about 2 weeks...mulling over and trying to apply to my life. It says,

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." - Colossians 3:12-17

sometimes it helps me understand things better when I break them down.
color key:
orange - is what you are
green - is characteristics you are to put on
blue - is actions that are required of you
bold words - emphasized words

I can just imagine the speaker writing this and shouting, because these are things that everyone of us take for granted and overlook in our lives. We are not called to merely walk about in life complacent and mediocre...looking like everyone else, but we are called to PUT ON characteristics...to make ourselves look like Christ. We are called to lay aside everything that does not glorify Christ and lay ahold of everything that does. Because you are chosen & holy & beloved, you are to put on these things... compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forgiveness, and love. We are called...not just asked. I guess that's something I've been learning lately is that it is not an option not to have these things in my life. I am called to live a life of holiness and of compassion. It is not an option.

I will leave you with an updated picture. I miss you guys/girls.

Prayer Requests:

my family as my mom continues to heal (she was able to go home from the hospital yesterday).
my heart as sometimes it's easy to lose focus of the bigger mosaic.
continued financial support for bills and other things that were not planned for along the way.
continued peace.
the lives that I have the opportunity to minister to this summer and fall.
the people I will come in contact with in Africa.

-sam

Countdown:
Africa
Thursday, July 31st, 2008 11:30 AM
1 month, 9 days remaining

round here.

2008-06-21T08:30:00.000-05:00

Last night I slept 13 hours. ridiculous.
Last night I got to talk to Fletcher. I'm so thankful. Trying to get used to not talking everyday is really hard to be honest. I know it will become easier, but right now it's really hard. I just have to remember to write down things I want to talk to him about because of the fact that I can't call/text him and get a direct response.

Today...I'm going to see my mom at the hospital.
I have the entire day off!
I have 40 days until I leave for Africa. crazy.

This is how long until I return (from right now)
Wednesday, December 17th, 2008 2:54 PM
5 months, 26 days, 6 hours remaining

To be quite honest, I'm nervous about going to Africa, but I'm ready to be there and come back so I can share lots of stories. I'm ready for this strain to be gone from Fletcher and my relationship. It's hard enough knowing most of the summer we won't be able to talk, but knowing that we won't be able to physically SEE one another until December is harder. The Lord is holding us in His hands and is faithful. He will carry us through. I'm learning to focus on Him when I want to talk to someone because I'm not able to run to Fletcher. I'm learning.

Before Fletcher, I didn't have anyone to talk to really or anyone to run to. I never even really wanted that. I just wanted to do things myself and adapt accordingly. Because of our relationship, the Lord has taught me that it is okay to rely on people...especially those He has placed in our lives. We NEED people. For someone (like I used to be...) to try to do everything on their own is proposterous. We can't. We can't make it on our own. The Lord places people in our lives for reasons. Moving on...

About Africa...I'm nervous. I said that already, but I am. I have 40 days until I board a plane and head to Tanzania. 14 days after that, I head to my final destination place. Then...about 3 months after that, I will be heading back to Tanzania then a couple of days later, back to the states. I know that once I am there I won't want to leave and I will love it, but the anxiousness of going alone, going into unknown alone, leaving everything familiar, scares me. I'm just trying to be honest and transparent here. I know the Lord is going to grow me in huge ways during my time in Africa. I know He's growing me even now...it's just hard to see in what ways exactly because I'm not on the outside of it, I'm right smack in the middle of transition and change.

Change is a beautiful thing. Even when we don't want it. Over the past couple of months the Lord has been changing me so much. I can see where He has worked in areas of pride, selfishness, and harshness to produce humility, a servant's heart, compassion, gentleness, and love. These are things that I've often prayed the Lord would root in me. I can see Him preparing me even farther into the woman He wants me to be. He's ever shaping, ever moving...and He sings over me. The comfort that comes to my heart knowing the Lord is singing over me is so huge and abounds in ways that I cannot understand or even come close to comprehending but I know it is there.

I will rejoice, because the Lord is good and is at work. I will rejoice because He is carrying me and is refining me to be presented as Holy. I will rejoice because He is changing me. I will rejoice because He is in control. I will rejoice because He knows better than I could ever possibly know. I will rejoice because He leads me. I will rejoice because He walks beside me. I will rejoice because He is holding Fletcher in His hands. I will rejoice because He is.He was.and He always will be.

I will rejoice.

prayer request.

2008-06-20T00:26:00.000-05:00

please pray for my family. my mom is now on oxygen because her lungs keep filling up with fluid. her heart is still very enlarged and also very weak.

i know the Lord is in control.
i am trusting Him.

summer. oh summer.

2008-06-17T23:56:00.000-05:00

I will actually be leaving on July 31st.
I will return to the U.S. on Wednesday night @ 9pm on December 17th.

We are about to finish week 3 of camp. I did PCY this week (painting, construction, & yardwork). It's been nothing short of interesting. I love these kids and love being able to pour into students. My anticipation for Africa is growing and growing. I'm behind on thank you notes and also in ordering my shirts to send to the people that purchased them to help support my trip. I am hoping this weekend is fruitful for those things to be caught up on. I said goodbye to Fletcher on Sunday before camp started....that was quite a hard experience, but I know the Lord has us going to serve Him separately for a little while and I'm excited about hearing how He's working in Fletcher's life!

-sam

Prayer Requests:

my family (my mother had a heart attack last wednesday and has had kidney failure as well as pancreatitis. her kidney's failing and the pancreatitis are what caused the heart attack. they need to do a colonoscopy but they keep pushing the surgery back because they say her heart is too weak that she might not wake up from the anethesia).
students this summer I will come in contact with.
financial needs to be met and taken care of.
students this fall I will come in contact with.
the family we will be partnering with in Africa.
rest.
relationships in my life.